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Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
The Nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one Sunday Morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven "Which part of your body goes first?"
Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?
" Suzie replied:"Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"
"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."

Angel
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Rumors were flying at a small tourist hotel about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "What happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator."


The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Oh, God. When he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"

Ketana
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A millionaire throws a massive party for his fiftieth birthday. During the party, he's a bit bored and decides to stir things up a bit. He grabs the mic and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. He offers anything he owns to anyone who will swim across that pool.
The party continues for some time with no one accepting his offer, until suddenly there's a loud splash. All the party guests run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool a man is frantically swimming as hard as he can. Fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and the guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining, but the guy manages to reach the end and he leaps out of the pool, soaked.

The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give-for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So, what will it be?" the millionaire asks.


The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the person that pushed me in!"

Angel
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One day, while doing door-to-door market research, a guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts," I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes," says the woman. "My husband and I use it during sex."

The researcher is taken aback. "Well, I admire your honesty," he stammers. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"


The young housewife replies, "Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
   Angel wrote: One day, while doing door-to-door market research, a guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts," I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes," says the woman. "My husband and I use it during sex."

The researcher is taken aback. "Well, I admire your honesty," he stammers. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"


The young housewife replies, "Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."
:lach:

Ketana
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Mana: 

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.

"Let me show you," says the captain.

He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.

"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."

The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.

"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"

"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."

"Why not Thursday?"

"That's your day in the barrel."

Ketana
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Mana: 
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful.
The woman said, "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door.

The woman says to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"


*aren't kids just too adorable! I love 'em on toast slathered with buttah myself*

Ketana
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TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX...
 
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

Ketana
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A wild dog is running through the jungle. While wandering about he notices a leopard heading in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now." Then he sees some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey-who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree-figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, he goes chasing after the leopard. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.



 


Moral of the story - Watch that monkey on your back, he's a summabitch! :s010a:

Ketana
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An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing that he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

 


Moral of the story - When the nurse is an ass seek out a second opinion!:s010a: 

Last edited on Thu Nov 2nd, 2006 01:53 am by Ketana

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
Chinese proverbs

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War not determine who right, war determine who left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

Dragonflygurl
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T-SHIRTS FOR WOMEN WHO TAKE NO CRAP

1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

3. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

4. Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.

5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

8. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!

9. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

10. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

11. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

12. Next mood swing...6 minutes.

13. I hate everybody and you're next.

14. Please don't make me kill you.

15. And your point is......?

16. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

17. All stressed out and no one to choke.

18. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

19. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

20. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
















Last edited on Fri Nov 3rd, 2006 03:56 am by Dragonflygurl

Angel
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LOL, those are right on, DFG!

 

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"


"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown."
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"
In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said "Turn Around."

Last edited on Fri Nov 3rd, 2006 10:02 pm by Dragonflygurl

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
What is a Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.   
Conclusion: They are tiny little women in fur coats.   
  
What is a Dog?

1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they're not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9) They leave their toys everywhere.
10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.   
Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.

Last edited on Fri Nov 3rd, 2006 11:23 pm by Dragonflygurl

Ketana
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Dragonflygurl wrote: Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown."
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"
In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said "Turn Around."

or Ben Dover would have worked out bettah! LOLOLOL

Ketana
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Mana: 
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I'm sorry, but he's dead."


Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

Ketana
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Mana: 
There was this gas station in redneck country trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a redneck customer pulled in, filled his tank and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from one to 10 and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed eight-the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was seven. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time."

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed two this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was three. You were close but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex."


The buddy replied, "No, it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 

THE CAT







A Man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him in the car park.



As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the drive way.



The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away.  He put the beast out and headed home.



Driving back up the driveway, the cat was there!



He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.




Hours later the man calls home to his wife:


"Jen, is the cat there?" 

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" 

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"  


The cats response.   






Ketana
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Mana: 
One day, a highway patrolman pulled a car over for speeding. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The patrolman told the driver he was fascinated by juggling-if the driver would do a little juggling for him, the patrolman promised not to give him a ticket. The juggler told him he had sent all his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them, and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car. A drunk got out, looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.


The drunk replied, "Just go on and take me to jail. There's no way in the world that I can pass that test."

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons :

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


Sincerely The Penis
 

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects
your request for the following reasons:


You do not work eight hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often
You do not take initiative.
You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
Sometimes leave your designated work area before you
And if that were not enough,
You are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.



Sincerely,
The Management

 

Last edited on Sun Nov 5th, 2006 12:41 am by Dragonflygurl

Angel
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Mana: 
A man was sunbathing in the nude. He saw a girl walking toward him, so he covered himself with a newspaper. The girl asked, "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
Thinking quickly, the man replied, "A bird,"

The girl nodded and walked away.

Soon, the man fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what had happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know I'm here."

The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"


The girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was just playing with his bird, then it tried to poke me in the eye so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set its nest on fire."

Angel
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Mana: 
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.
The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.



Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Last edited on Wed Nov 8th, 2006 07:16 pm by Dragonflygurl

Angel
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Mana: 
Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull having sex with one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.
He leaned in close and whispered, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."


"Well then, why don't you?" Mabel whispered back. "It is your cow."

Angel
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Mana: 
This huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman.

He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"


The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

Angel
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10 SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING A CYBER AFFAIR
10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.

9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.

8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.

5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.

4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.

3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!"

2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.


1. Lipstick on the mouse.

Angel
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One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"
"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.


Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

Ketana
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There's a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs sitting by a lake. Several beautiful women are running laps around it and the man decides to use his disability to get affection from one of them. The next time one runs by him, the man calls to her:

"Excuse me Sweetheart, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you hug me?"

She looks around to make sure nobody's watching, leans down, and hugs him.

The man thinks, "Wow, I can't believe that worked!", and decides to try it again.

Another woman runs by him, and he calls out to her: "Excuse me Darling, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you kiss me?"

She looks around to make sure nobody is watching, leans down and gives him a kiss.

The man is amazed at how well this is working out for him!

The next time a woman runs by, he calls out to her: " Excuse me Beautiful, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you f**k me?"

The woman looks around to make sure nobody's watching her, leans down, picks the man up out of his chair, throws him in the lake and tells him:

"There... now you're f**ked!

Angel
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Mana: 
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is one and one?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right."

Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow," replied the blonde.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.


"It went great!" the blonde said. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Angel
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Mana: 
Rod and Todd, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.
One day, Rod calls Todd and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard.

A thousand dollars." Todd replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you..."

Rod interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars-yes or no."

Todd says, "O.K., I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"


Rod answers, "Eleven years."

CheshireKat
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If this doesn't make you laugh, you must be havig a REALLY BAD DAY :D

Ketana
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Mana: 
Angel wrote: Rod and Todd, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.
One day, Rod calls Todd and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard.

A thousand dollars." Todd replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you..."

Rod interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars-yes or no."

Todd says, "O.K., I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"


Rod answers, "Eleven years."
I don't get it..

Ketana
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Mana: 
CheshireKat wrote: If this doesn't make you laugh, you must be havig a REALLY BAD DAY :D

OMG this is just too too precious!!!

Ketana
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Mana: 
The angry preacher...

The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"

No one moved.

The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."



Angel
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Mana: 
An elderly couple went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it.

When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally, after two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"


The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.

Dragonflygurl
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Angel
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A newlywed couple is bargain hunting. They come across an unusual mirror that the shop owner claims has "magical powers." They buy the mirror and place it on the back of their bedroom door.

One day, the wife decides to test the mirror out, and while looking into the mirror, she says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my breasts size 44."
Lo and behold, it happens.
 
The woman runs down the stairs to show her husband, who is utterly amazed.

He runs up to the bedroom, and while looking in the mirror, says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my manhood touch the floor."

Then his legs fall off.

CheshireKat
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Dragonflygurl
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CheshireKat wrote:

:d020a:

Ketana
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Mana: 

In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was startled by what she saw in her crystal ball. She looked up at her customer, sitting across the table. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

Bilbo67
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DISNEY’S FALLEN HEROES

We have all grown up knowing and loving the characters created by Walt Disney and his successors. From Mickey Mouse to Aladdin, Disney has always given us something to laugh at, someone to cry for, something to hope for and a star to wish upon.

Now, however, it has been revealed by the Disney corporation that the stars of these memorable cartoons may not have been the paragons of hope and happiness we always thought they were.

That, after growing up with the perils of childhood stardom, many of our immortal friends met with bitter ends. Here, for the first time ever, are the TRUE fates of your favorite Disney characters, taken from the secret files of Michael Eisner himself…


MICKEY MOUSE - Died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said "No" for 50 years.

MINNIE MOUSE - Came out as a lesbian, wrote scathing autobiography portraying her marriage to Mickey as abusive.

DONALD DUCK - Served as a main course at Epcot's China Pavilion.

GOOFY - Assassinated during first term as Vice President of the United States.

PLUTO - Caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.

SCROOGE MCDUCK - Died homeless in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.

HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE - Involved in an underground child pornography ring.

CHIP & DALE - Extracted from Richard Gere's colon.

SNOW WHITE - Poisoned by another apple while trick or treating, Halloween night 1975.

DOPEY - 'nuff said.

SNEEZY - Died after case of misdiagnosed bubonic plague

GRUMPY - Executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.

HAPPY - Killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.

DOC - Sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges eating out of used cat food cans.

SLEEPY - Never woke up.

BASHFUL - Now a stripper with Chippendales.

MARY POPPINS - Shot down over Israeli airspace.

WINNIE THE POOH - Had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.

PIGLET - Gunned down in a mafia hit.

EEYORE - Committed suicide.

TIGGER - Accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.

RABBIT - Boiled alive by psycho-women after her unpleasant affair with his human owner.

ROO - Smothered to death in Kanga's pouch.

KANGA - Put to death by the state for serial pouch smothering.

ALICE  - Institutionalized for life.

THE MAD HATTER - Died of mercury poisoning.

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS - Guillotined during The Revolution.

TWEEDLEDEE & TWEEDLEDUM - Died of excessive weight loss at a fat farm.

SLEEPING BEAUTY - Slept until 1986 when she was awakened by "Prince" Charming, from whom she contracted AIDS.

CINDERELLA - Killed by stepsisters and stepmother in a jealous rage.

PINNOCCHIO - Involved in unfortunate accident with his Troy-Built Chipper Shredder.

JIMINY CRICKET - Checked into the plush Roach Hotel…never checked out.

DUMBO - Sucked into the engine of a 747.

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN - Male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.

PETER PAN - Christopher Robin's lover, committed suicide in despair.

TINKERBELL - Caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid.

THUMPER - Undergoing cosmetic "Draise" testing in Mary Kay Labs.

BAMBI - Shot by NRA member with an AK-47. His body was never found.

BALOO - Now decorating the floor in front of a fireplace of the aforementioned NRA member.

LADY & THE TRAMP - Sold to a Vietnamese restaurant.

101 DALMATIONS - Sold to the Ringling Bros Circus for Lion food.

THE RESCUERS - Currently involved in AMA cancer research.

TRON - Killed by Virus Protection Utility on an IBM PC

JESSICA RABBIT - Featured in Playboy centerfold 2 years ago. Now has her own daytime talk show.

THE LITTLE MERMAID - Caught by Bumble Bee Tuna Fleet (still dolphin-free)

ALADDIN - Caught stealing a few too many times, currently being fitted for four prosthetic limbs.

ABU - Shot into space by NASA

CheshireKat
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Advert:
Post Date: Aug 7th, 2006
Expiration Date: Sep 6, 2006
$10,000
06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT 84025
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve.

Angel
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Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.
 
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback and stupefied.

Ketana
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Mana: 

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Ketana
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Mana: 

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the ward, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually
joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief, "cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer test again!"

Bilbo67
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Mana: 
Opposite-Sex English Lessons with Professor Bilbo


Women's English:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do whatever you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my ass fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him, dipshit.


The answer to "What's wrong?":

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing =Everything

Everything = PMS...'nuff said

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole


Men's English:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

[2] What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

[3] What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Let's have sex now.

I love you too. = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

[2] Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it looks the same as before

Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

Ketana
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Mana: 
Bilbo67 wrote: Opposite-Sex English Lessons with Professor Bilbo


Women's English:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do whatever you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my ass fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him, dipshit.


The answer to "What's wrong?":

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing =Everything

Everything = PMS...'nuff said

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole


Men's English:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

[2] What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

[3] What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Let's have sex now.

I love you too. = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

[2] Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it looks the same as before

Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

LOLOLOL..damm boy you got that right!!!

Angel
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Mana: 
What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
Both offer very little support!

Ketana
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Mana: 
A missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how
to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree”. The chief looks
at the tree and grunts, "Tree”. The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This
is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock”.

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives
in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really flustered and
quickly responds, "Riding a bike”.

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun, and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he
kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike”.

Angel
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Mana: 
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for their religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's a tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception, but, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Okay," says the man. "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children."

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah."

"With the woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah."

"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with mirrors on the ceiling, a bottle of hot oil, a vibrator, a leather whip, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah."

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No, no, no!" cries the rabbi. "Absolutely never standing up!"

"Why not?" asks the man.


The rabbi says, "Could lead to dancing."

CheshireKat
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Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Colorado USA
Posts: 2920
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Mana: 
How latex gloves are made...

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said. 

Gotta watch those little old ladies. Their minds are always working!




Angel
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Mana: 
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding
how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused .... then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
Angel wrote: A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for their religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's a tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception, but, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Okay," says the man. "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children."

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah."

"With the woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah."

"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with mirrors on the ceiling, a bottle of hot oil, a vibrator, a leather whip, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah."

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No, no, no!" cries the rabbi. "Absolutely never standing up!"

"Why not?" asks the man.


The rabbi says, "Could lead to dancing.
LMAO:laughing1:

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 



A lady goes on vacation to the CaribbeanUpon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"




"I can't tell you" the black man says.


 


 Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"


 


"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the black man.


 


"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.


 


"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies and the lady bursts into laughter.


 


The black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it".


 


 The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of you. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean

Angel
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Mana: 
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop. I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."


After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her. I always knew she didn't trust me!"

Ketana
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Mana: 
class=formatRadio Silence
Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?

Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it
O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say
hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we
asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8: 00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle
?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just
tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass !
 
*I'M A NASTY SHE-CAT!*

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Ketana wrote:

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the ward, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually
joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief, "cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer test again!"


:roflrofla:

Bilbo67
Heretic


Joined: Fri Oct 27th, 2006
Location: The Daisy Hill Cluster Lizard Farm
Posts: 479
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Legal terms that sound obscene, but aren't


Have you looked through her briefs? 

He is one hard judge!

Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.

Her attorney withdrew at the last minute

Is it a penal offence?

Better leave the handcuffs on. 

For $200 an hour, she better be good!

Can you get him to drop his suit?

The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. 

Think you can get me off?

Shenandora
Heretic


Joined: Sun Oct 29th, 2006
Location: Germany
Posts: 223
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Bilbo wrote:
Opposite-Sex English Lessons with Professor Bilbo
...


LOL, this is just great! Just discovered it...I know I'm a little behind...

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears

10. Gas costs $2.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
 

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Job Definitions
Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker - A fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Statistician - someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".

Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Professor - someone who talks in someone else's sleep.

Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.


Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
I LOVE this philosophy! This is NOT a dress rehearsal!
Living Life Backwards

I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and
then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
I don't know why but I thought of Ketana when I saw below piccy.


Last edited on Fri Jan 19th, 2007 10:39 am by Dragonflygurl

Bilbo67
Heretic


Joined: Fri Oct 27th, 2006
Location: The Daisy Hill Cluster Lizard Farm
Posts: 479
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Why it's great to be a guy:


Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

Monday Night Football.

You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

You can open all your own jars.

Old friends don't give a damn wether you've lost or gained weight.

Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

When channel surfing, you don't feel compelled to stop at every shot of someone crying.

Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.

All your orgasms are real.

A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.

Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).

You don't have to lug a bag of stuff around everywhere you go.

Your last name stays put.

You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

When your work is criticized, you don't have to worry that everyone secretly hates you.

You can kill your own food.

The garage is all yours.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

You can write your name in the snow.

You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president (in this lifetime...)

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park.

Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

Foreplay is optional.

Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.

Hot wax never comes anywhere near your pubic area.

One mood, all the time

You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

Same work...more pay!

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.

With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries...at least in theory.

You don't mooch off others' desserts.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

The remote control is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

Bachelor parties kick bridal showers' asses.

You have a normal, healthy relationship with your mother.

You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.

Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it."

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

You think the idea of punting a small cat is funny.

If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"

There's always a game on somewhere.



Why it sucks to be a guy
:


You have to take out the garbage.

The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

No sofas in your restrooms.

External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.

James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.

Ribbed for her pleasure...not yours.

You have to wear ties.

You can't flirt your way out of a jam.

"Women and children first."

Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Johnny followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself, he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane . . . ."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny this is such an interesting story suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight".

At the dinner table Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army".

Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Four guys were having a contest. The challenge was who could make a girl scream the loudest when they f*ck her.

The first man to try was a white guy. The other guys only heard a moan from the room he was in. He said, "try to beat that! I'm so good!"

The next guy tries. This Mexican got her to squeal. Doing better than the white guy he said, "No one can beat that! Mexicans are the best at having sex!"

A black guy tried next. You could hear the girl enjoyed it. The black guy just smiled, thinking he was the best.

The last guy to try was Chinese. All the guys laughed as he entered the girl's room. but the Laughing soon stopped when they heard the girl screaming as loud as she could.

The Chinese man walked out very proud. The other guys impressed asked how he did it. He told them, "Ancient Chinese secret. I put Hot Sauce on my dick"


 

*Yeah I know it's bad but you loved it!*

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes  into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her
and  says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know 
you'll forgive me."  She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow,
 I'm in room 221."

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
NEW EXPRESSIONS




W e all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.


Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_ x _) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned!  Laugh your ass off (_ :-)




 

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
In a recent Harris Online poll, 38,562 men across the U.S. were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
 
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
:laughing1::roflrofla:

Bilbo67
Heretic


Joined: Fri Oct 27th, 2006
Location: The Daisy Hill Cluster Lizard Farm
Posts: 479
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Helpful travel hints:

How to respond when native islanders greet you as a god



1) Cultivate an air of mystery (less is more).

2) Appoint an "inner circle" to handle liason (aka "divine outreach") with the village.

3) Move into the nicest hut and set up shop.

4) Announce petition/office hours

5) Place a basket outside your hut and seed it with "starter offerings" (dollars, gold, jewels...the basics).

6) Declare null and void any village taboos about members of the opposite sex being left alone with a visiting deity. 

7) When hearing petitions, do not make any rash promises that could come back to bite you in the ass.  If pressed, for example, to end a drought or cure a disease, be vague.  Speak of "reparations" that must be made "for transgressions past."

8) If a villager expresses resentment about the growing pile of tokens in your offering basket, angrily offer to return them all, declaring that if even one offering is given "with a resentful heart," then all the villagers' requests will be denied.  Do not attempt to intercede when the rest of teh villagers turn on the complainer with clubs.  As his remains are being dragged off, comment: "Those who scoff at the volcano soon find themselves up to their ears in lava," or something to that effect.

9) Speak oracularly.  Sample utterance: "It takes a tough horse to make a tender mango."

10) Remember--even a god needs an exit strategy.  Tell the natives you will take their petitions back to the "council of the gods on the mighty mountaintop."  Mention in passing that the council of gods is really busy these days and overwhelmed with petitions and that it's only looking for petitioners who are serious.

11) Throw yourself an elaborate farewell banquet, wherein you recite a moving going-away prayer, stressing the importance of safe passage for you and your tribute.  Refer several times to the "mighty avalanche" that descended upon the natives from "the other village" who attempted to follow you up the mountain on your last visit to the Land of Men (make certain to linger on the horrible details...houses burned, men crushed, petitions denied, etc.).

12) Appoint the most gullible members of your inner circle to serve as porters on your steep climb up the "Stairway to Heaven."

13) When the caravan reaches your parked "thunder chariot" (aka Range Rover), have the porters load the tribute, then quickly dismiss them, declaring that you must present the offerings to the council of the gods yourself.

14) Distribute personal relics: locks of your hair, Tic Tacs, Chapstick, cigarette butts, etc.).

15) When the thunder chariot fails to start and it dawns on them that you're mortal, run like hell.

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Q. Why are men like guns?

A. Keep one around long enough and eventually you're going to want to shoot it.

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"


Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 




A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
 
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
never say to a cop:

1.i cant reach my license unless you hold my beer
2.sorry officer i didnt realize my radar detector wasnt plugged in
3. arent you the guy from The Village People?
4. hey, you must've been doin at least 125 to keep up with me...good job!
5. are you Andy or Barney?
6. i thought you had to be in a relatively good condition to be a polica officer
7. you're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. i pay your salary!
9. gee officer, thats great! the last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. do you know why you pulled me over? ok good, so at least one of us does.
11. i was trying to keep up with traffic. yes i know there are no other cars around, thats how far ahead of me they are!
12. when the officer says "gee son your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" you probably shouldnt respond with "gee officer, your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 30

A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was what you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a scissors
And paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.


There's still wisdom in pad and paper
And memories remaining in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they wish they were dead.

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
PM shared this, I thought it was hysterical..

 

This has got to be one of the most clever
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM



PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER



ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER



DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT



THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE



GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS



SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME



ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY



ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT



SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE



THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE



ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE




AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!


Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Picture says it all.....



 

 

Last edited on Fri Feb 23rd, 2007 03:26 am by Dragonflygurl

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
This is a bit wicked but I still made me laugh.



 

Last edited on Fri Feb 23rd, 2007 03:29 am by Dragonflygurl

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Another funny photo, but cute with it.



 

Last edited on Fri Feb 23rd, 2007 03:28 am by Dragonflygurl

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
And this one is for PeaceMarauder.  Attack of the banana's



 

Last edited on Fri Feb 23rd, 2007 03:30 am by Dragonflygurl

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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You know you're really trailer trash when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior / Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Angel
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LAWS WOMEN LIVE BY

* Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

* What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

* If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

* Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

* Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

* Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

* Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

* Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

* Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.

* Sadly, all men are created equal.
 

Angel
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Mana: 
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease. This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced "gonna re-elect him"). Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this especially troublesome disease.
Cognitive symptoms of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include, but are not limited to: Anti-social personality disorder traits; delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor; chronic mangling of the English language; extreme cognitive dissonance; inability to incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia; inability to accept responsibility for actions; exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado; uncontrolled facial smirking; ignorance of geography and history; tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies; and a strong propensity for categorical, all-or nothing behavior.


The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only few years ago in a Texas Bush.

Angel
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Mana: 
The priest asks, "Is that you, Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."


The priest sighs in frustration.

 "You're very tight-lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and must atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself."
 
Johnny walks back to his pew.

His friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
 
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
Childerns Books That Did Not Make It!



 

Last edited on Fri Feb 23rd, 2007 03:31 am by Dragonflygurl

Dragonflygurl
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Salt and Battery, get it?!


Last edited on Fri Feb 23rd, 2007 03:32 am by Dragonflygurl

Dragonflygurl
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Kitty Cat Folding, lol


Last edited on Fri Feb 23rd, 2007 03:33 am by Dragonflygurl

Dragonflygurl
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Picture says it all



 

Last edited on Fri Feb 23rd, 2007 03:25 am by Dragonflygurl

Ketana
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Mana: 

-----
Why God made Moms - BRILLIANT

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!



Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.



How did God make mothers?l

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring

3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.



What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.



Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?

1. We're related

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.



What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.



What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?



Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.



Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.



What's the difference between moms & dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.



What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.



What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.



If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.


Bilbo67
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Mana: 
How does one give more than 100%?

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H A R D W O R K = 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E = 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

A T T I T U D E = 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

However:

B U L L S H I T = 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.

But, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A S S K I S S I N G = 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

So the next time your overbearing boss asks you to give more than 100%, you know what is required of you

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
Bilbo67 wrote: How does one give more than 100%?

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H A R D W O R K = 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E = 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

A T T I T U D E = 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

However:

B U L L S H I T = 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.

But, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A S S K I S S I N G = 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

So the next time your overbearing boss asks you to give more than 100%, you know what is required of you

LOL, that's funny.


 

Bilbo67
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Mana: 
If the following doesn't make you laugh at least once, then you are without a soul, and should actively seek out the nearest priest, rabbi, or shaman ASAP:


Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays 
 
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 
 
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like socks in a dryer without Cling Free. 
 
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it, and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 
 
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 
 
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up 
 
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 
 
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. 
 
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. 
 
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 
 
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 
 
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 
 
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 
 
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 
 
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35mph. 
 
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 
 
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 
 
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river. 
 
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 
 
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. 
 
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 
 
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 
 
23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 
 
24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 
 
25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 
 
26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. 
 
27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. 
 
28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. 
 
29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. 
 
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Angel
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Mana: 
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.

         *****

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.

         ****
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2.) Nope, no more booze for me.

3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.

5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.


6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

Angel
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DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I  said, "What's wrong, honey?"


She replied, "What happened to my  booger?"

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 

Bilbo67
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Mana: 
THINGS YOUR HISTORY TEACHER NEVER TAUGHT YOU:

THE TOP TEN MOST APPROPRIATE USES OF THE WORD "FUCK"


"What the fuck was that?"
          -Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945


"Where did all these fucking indians come from?"
          -Gen. George Custer, 1876


"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
          -Albert Einstein, 1938


"It does so fucking look like her!"
          -Pablo Picasso, 1926


"How the fuck did you work that out?"
          -Pythagoras, 126 B.C.


"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling!?!?"
          -Michelangelo, 1566


"I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain."
          -Joan of Arc, 1434


"Scattered fucking showers...my ass!"
          -Noah, circa Genesis chapter 7


"It's a good thing these tickets were free, this fucking play sucks."
          -Abraham Lincoln, 1865


"Fuck it all, I missed!"
          -Dick Cheney, 2006

Ketana
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Mana: 
buwahahahahahahaha...damn those were fucking good one's Bilbo!

and angel the booger! I fucking rolled..I could just see my twin nephews doing that! gadsss gotta love those nasty little rug rats!

Ketana
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Mana: 
Angel wrote: THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.

         *****

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.

         ****
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2.) Nope, no more booze for me.

3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.

5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.


6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

wahahahahahaha gotta add the word..DIGITAL to the list..:bounce_pinka:

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
Shopping at Tesco's - MAN STYLE
  
  Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
  boyfriend along shopping
  
  This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
   Oxford :
  
  Dear Mrs. Murray,
  
  While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
  Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and
  your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
  Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
  surveillance cameras:
  
  1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
  trolleys when they weren't looking.
  
  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
  intervals.
  
  3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
  products aisle.
  
  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
  "Code 3" in housewares..... And watched what happened.
  
  5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
  
  6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
  told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
  Calor gas stove.
  
  7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
  began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
  
  8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
  mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
  
  9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
  Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
  were.
  
  10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
  "Mission Impossible" theme.
  
  11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna look"
  using different size funnels.
  
  12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
  "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
  
  13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
  assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
  again."
  
  And; last, but not least:
  
  14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
  while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
  
  Yours sincerely,
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Charles Brown

 
 
 
 

Angel
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Mana: 
Little Johnny and his mother returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. Little Johnny opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
 
"What are you doing?" his mother asked. "
 
The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," Johnny explained, "I'm looking for the seal."

Angel
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Mana: 
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


There are teachers.... And then there are educators.

Angel
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Mana: 
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at two o'clock in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you--aren't you a policeman?
Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.


"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

Angel
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Mana: 
Two guys were walking through the woods and spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first guy opened his backpack, took out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second guy looked at him and said, "You're crazy--you'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first guy replied. "I only have to outrun you."

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
If women ruled the world!


Angel
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Mana: 
A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray.
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Brandi again prays. "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.

Once again, she prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God:


"Brandi, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

Angel
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Mana: 
A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glances across the room and notices a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she has a very large nose. He's very self-conscious about his eye, but gets up the nerve to ask her for a dance.
"Would you like to dance with me?" he asks.

She replies, "Would I!"


He sneers and snipes, "Big nose!"

CatCharm
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Mana: 
   *_EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY_*
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

6:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 

*_EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY_*

 

Day 983 of my captivity.

 

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling

objects.   They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

 

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

 

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was

placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

 

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

 

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and

seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

 

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

 

For now...

 

Angel
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Mana: 
This man had been having a few beers down at the neighborhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself.
To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and and took off running. The man could see the naked outline of the gal's bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.

Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, "What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park."

The man said, "But officer this is my wife."

The officer said, "Oh, I didn't know she was your wife."


The man said, "Neither did I until you shined your light on her."

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


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Mana: 
WHY....................

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?  Did you ever stop and wonder......

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . . . .

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?



Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


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Mana: 

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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Mana: 
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He knows the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat."

And the owner says, "Sold."

He hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the 20 bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."


And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold 68 cats."

Angel
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Mana: 
A woman comes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist, "Can you tell me about Viagra?"
 
The druggist says, "What would you like to know?"
 
"What does it do?" she asks.
 
"Well, when I take it, it enhances my libido and prolongs my erection."
 
The woman says, "Can you get it over the counter?"
 
"Yes," says the druggist, "but I'll have to take another pill."

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


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NoClockThing
Heretic


Joined: Thu Mar 15th, 2007
Location:  
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Mana: 
Hospital Chart Bloopers


These are actual writings from various hospital charts.


1. The patient refused an autopsy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12. She is numb from her toes down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
14. The skin was moist and dry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
Finally, a definition of globalization

I can understand and to which

I can relate







Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?





Answer: Princess

Diana's death.





Question: How come?





Answer:

An English princess with

an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French

tunnel, driving a

German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.



This is sent to you by

a Canadian,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese

chips, and a

Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian

lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....





That, my friends, is Globalization!

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


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Mana: 
Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at l east someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

NoClockThing
Heretic


Joined: Thu Mar 15th, 2007
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Mana: 
WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

CatCharm
Heretic


Joined: Sat Oct 28th, 2006
Location: My Own Little World....
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Mana: 
How  much do you know?

    
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
    stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights
    go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."


    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
    said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

    "Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear
     power?"

     "OK" she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
      me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the
     same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
     and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that
     is?" 
 
   The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

   She said "Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you
   don't know shit?"

Angel
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Mana: 
LMAO, CAT, loved that one!

Angel
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Mana: 
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."


"I know," she said, "I'm his grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


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Mana: 
CatCharm wrote: How  much do you know?

    
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
    stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights
    go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."


    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
    said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

    "Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear
     power?"

     "OK" she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
      me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the
     same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
     and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that
     is?" 
 
   The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

   She said "Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you
   don't know shit?"

:roflrofla:

Ketana
Divine Assassin


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Mana: 

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


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Mana: 
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Angel
Divine Executioner


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Mana: 
Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are.
The first mother says, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"

The second mother says, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"

The third woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'"

The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her a subtle, "Well?"


She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. When he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!'"

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
Man bashing again.........

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

CatCharm
Heretic


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Mana: 
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little  KENNY .



He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little
 KENNY  says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream
.   The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little
 KENNY  replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."



LITTLE
 KENNY  ON MATH < U>(Part 2)[size=]




Little
 KENNY  returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

" The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies
 KENNY .

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f..... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"




LITTLE
 KENNY  ON ENGLISH



Little
 KENNY  goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Doe s anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

KENNY  says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little
 KENNY , that's a mouthful."

Little
 KENNY  says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job."



LITTLE
 KENNY  ON GRAMMAR



Little
 KENNY  was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now,
 KENNY , that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little
 KENNY , thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if   you had bigger boobs , you'd be a TEN!"



LITTLE
 KENNY  ON GRAMMAR < B>(Part 2)



One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little
 KENNY .

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"




LITTLE
 KENNY  ON GETTING OLDER




Little
 KENNY  was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little
 KENNY  replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did y our grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little
 KENNY  answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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Mana: 
Q: What is the definition of the perfect wife?

A: A rich, mute, nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.
-------------------------------------------
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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Mana: 
Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


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Mana: 

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


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Mana: 

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


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Mana: 

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


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Mana: 

NoClockThing
Heretic


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Mana: 
Good ones! :D

Angel
Divine Executioner


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Mana: 
LOL!  I love those, DFG!

Angel
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Mana: 
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer/alcohol manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer/alcohol containers:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical KungFu powers.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember)

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy

Angel
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Mana: 
Siamese twins from the U.S. vacation at the same resort in England every year. The manager recognizes the conjoined brothers on one visit and asks if they keep coming back for the sights.
"Oh, no," one of the twins says. "We've seen everything the city has to offer."

"Perhaps you enjoy our many pubs?" the manager asks.

"We don't drink," one twin replies.

"You must fancy our fish and chips, then?" the manager asks.

"No, we prefer burgers," one twin says.

"Then what makes you come back year after year?" the manager asks.


The left twin points to his brother and says, "It's the only chance he gets to drive."

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


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Mana: 
Angel wrote: Siamese twins from the U.S. vacation at the same resort in England every year. The manager recognizes the conjoined brothers on one visit and asks if they keep coming back for the sights.
"Oh, no," one of the twins says. "We've seen everything the city has to offer."

"Perhaps you enjoy our many pubs?" the manager asks.

"We don't drink," one twin replies.

"You must fancy our fish and chips, then?" the manager asks.

"No, we prefer burgers," one twin says.

"Then what makes you come back year after year?" the manager asks.


The left twin points to his brother and says, "It's the only chance he gets to drive."
:laughing1:

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


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Mana: 
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY


Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.

Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections

Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.

Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly : She makes more money than you do.

Last edited on Tue Apr 24th, 2007 03:15 pm by Dragonflygurl

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Rude Origami

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Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?




A: Puppies grow up.











Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?




A: Because they are...










Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?




A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.










Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?




A: Who cares?????.....










Q: What did God say after he created man?




A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!










Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?




A: I don't know, I've never seen either.










Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?




A: i) no mind ii) no business










Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?




A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.










Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?




A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...










Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?




A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no




intention of driving.










Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?




A: Exchange him!!










Q: Why do men like smart women?




A: Opposites attract.







 

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Last edited on Sun Apr 29th, 2007 03:21 am by Dragonflygurl

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Dragonflygurl
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Ketana
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WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH DAMN DFG THAT LAST ONE LITERALLY CRACKED ME UP!

*GOES FOR SOME SUPER GLUE*

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LMAO at that last one, DFG, Holy crap!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

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HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE



1.  Open a new file in your PC

2.  Name it "Housework."

3.  Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4.  Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5.  Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure To delete Housework Permanently?"

6.  Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly..................

7.  Feel better?



 

Last edited on Wed May 2nd, 2007 02:44 am by

Dragonflygurl
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You've heard of the British male past time of setting light to their FARTS?!

Last edited on Wed May 2nd, 2007 07:44 pm by Dragonflygurl

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Dragonflygurl wrote:
*Cough, choke, sputter* OMG, that's hysterical !!!

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Dragonflygurl
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DON'T EAT CHICKEN SANDWICHES

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered
that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it
anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said

"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are!

Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,

I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!

Angel
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The moods of a Woman:

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction,
she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse
she'll break open his head and then be his nurse
but when he's well and can get out of bed
she'll pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head.
Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind,
crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
she'll call him a king, then make him a clown,
raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.
She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man,
or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
She'll run away from him and never come back
but if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
she'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


And these are the few moods of a man.


Tired and horny.

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This is my collection of Bad Taste Bears. You can see I have a warped sick sense of humour can't you, lol.

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she's such a slut her diaphram has to have call waiting..

*snark*

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WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk
on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Dye it. You know her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did
it and not me! .
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her
head.

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Backwoods High Tech
 



    

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

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*lol*

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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!

NoClockThing
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How do you get 4 blondes to sit on a chair?

- Turn it upside down.

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NoClockThing
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Where do you find these things?

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Neanderthal Tech Support

The tech-support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

Hullo.  This Fire Help Desk.  Me Groog.

Me Lorto.  Help.  Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh.

You hit them together?

Ugh.

What happen?

Fire not work.

(sigh)  Make spark?

No spark, no Fire, me confused.  Fire work yesterday.

*sigh*  You change rock?

I change nothing!

You sure?

Ummm, me make *one* change.  Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand.  Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make Fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*

*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*!

Angel
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A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The busy waitress gives him coffee and rushes off to help other customers.
The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar.

The waitress rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the counter where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.

She returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"

The man says, "Two would be fine."

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup.

"And cream?" She asks.


The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "I don't think so!"

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YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE NEW YORK WOMEN!!

A woman from New York and another woman were seated side-by-side on an
airplane. The woman from New York, being friendly and all, said: So where
are you from? The other woman said, "From a place where they know better
than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The woman from New
York sat quietly for a moment and then replied: "So, where are you from,
bitch?"

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Dragonflygurl
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Subject: Blondes

A blonde's car got a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eased it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully stepped out of the car and opened the trunk. She took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.

It wasn't very long before a police car arrived. The Officer, clearly enraged, approached the blonde of the disabled vehicle and yelled, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" said the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asked the Officer...

"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

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*lol*

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A Quick Grammatical Anecdote from Professor Bilbo:

Anyone else get as eternally frustrated as I do when they receive an e-mail, IM, etc. that is utterly bereft of capitalization?  Good Lord that annoys the hell out of me! 

That may seem a trifle nitpicky, but always remember: proper capitalization is the difference between "I helped my Uncle Jack off his horse" and "I helped my uncle jack off his horse."

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Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2007

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.



Number 9

Good health is merely the
slowest possible rate at
which one can die.



Number 8 (love this one!)

Men have two emotions:

Hungry & Horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him
a sandwich.


Number 7

Give a person a fish & you feed
them for a day; teach a person
to use the Internet & they
won't bother you
for weeks.


Number 6

Some people are like a Slinky..........
not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile
when you shove them
down the stairs.


Number 5

Health nuts are going to feel
stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of
nothing.


Number 4

All of us could take a lesson from
the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.


Number 3

Why does a slight tax increase cost
you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves
you thirty cents?


Number 2

In the 60s, people took acid to make
the world weird. Now The world is
weird and people take Prozac
to make it normal.



AND THE NUMBER 1
THOUGHT FOR 2007:


We know exactly where one cow with
Mad-cow-disease is located among
the millions of cows in America , but
we haven't got a clue as to where
thousands of illegal immigrants
& terrorists are located.

Maybe we should put the
Department of Agriculture
in charge of immigration

Dragonflygurl
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Yeah I loved number 8 too,

That's list is funny :laughing1:

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LOL, #8 is very, very true!  Great list, Cat!

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I don't know if you have seen this yet but it is brilliant!!  -

 

http://www.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925

Angel
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OMG! ROFL!  And whoever taught that kid naughty words, tsk tsk!

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Oh shit, that's funny as hell

Last edited on Sat May 26th, 2007 12:10 am by Dragonflygurl

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A mat that can't make it's mind up regarding it's greeting, lol

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That is awesome!!!

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A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom.

He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

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Dragonflygurl
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly
removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting
the toilet seat just by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins.
Remember to use an egg timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button .

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules
of life really are:

In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.

If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.


Thought for the day:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES..... THEY ARE NOT REALLY
GOOD FOR ANYTHING... BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO
YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.

Angel
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LOLOL!  I love those, DFG!

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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

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Mana: 
So one morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
 
Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
 
The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
 
So, the blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says:
 
"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
 
"Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

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Mana: 
Angel wrote: So one morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
 
Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
 
The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
 
So, the blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says:
 
"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
 
"Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

:roflrofla:

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Hey, did you hear about the...
Paper company that folded?

Brake company on the skids?

Bra manufacturers that went bust?

Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?

Cigarette company that went up in smoke?

Baker who was short of dough?

Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?

Corset firm that felt the squeeze?

Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?

Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?

Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?

Downfall of the bungee suppliers?

The train company that went off the rails?

The ship building company that sunk?


The dental practice that was rotten to it's roots?

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Confucius Say

1 - Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.

2 - Man who run in front of car get tired.

3 - Man who run behind car get exhausted.

4 - Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

5 - Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

6 - Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to  Bangkok.

7 - Man with one chopstick go hungry.

8 - Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

9 - Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

10 - Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.

11 - Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on  earth.

12 - War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.

13 - Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

14 - Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

15 - It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.

16 - Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

17 - Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

18 - Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

19 - Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

20 - Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

21 - Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
An attorney was having an affair with his secretary. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know he gave the secretary a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the secretary took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the attorney's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The attorney said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you".

Later that evening the attorney came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.

The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest, so the wife picked up the card and read:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."!!

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Colonoscopy
 
 
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems,
so without me nothing would happen."
 
"I should be in charge," said the blood,
"Because I circulate oxygen all over
so without me you'd all waste away."
 
"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"
Because I process food and give
all of you energy."
 
"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever
it needs to go."
 
"I should be in charge," said theeyes,
"Because I allow the body to see
where it goes."
 
"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."
 
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him, so in a huff,
he shut down tight.
 
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
 
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the
rectum should be the boss.
 
The Moral of the story?
 
 
The asshole is usually in charge !!

Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Old Lady In Court
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

NoClockThing
Heretic


Joined: Thu Mar 15th, 2007
Location:  
Posts: 388
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Bwahahahaha!:d020a:

Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his
church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks
and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final
couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired
couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough
for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was
fine until she dropped the can of paint.
''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man.
''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her
right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and
said that they were not welcome in the church.
''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Who said there aren't perfectly good uses for used condoms? I can give you some that are sure to be great examples...
Bicycle handle grips.

Shower caps for people with tiny heads.

Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.

Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.

Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.

Finger puppets.

Use as a bobber when fishing.

Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it.

Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?)

Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants.

Freeze them for an all- natural Popsicle.

Use for a Xmas stocking for those times when coal doesn't tell 'em just how bad they screwed up this year.

Ear/nose plugs.

Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions.

Put them in with your tax return.

Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen.

Hang them all around your windshield and be a Chicano.

Make a "water" bed.

Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it!


Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying "Gobble Gobble".

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES
1. Sag, You're It!

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear

4. Kick the Bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over

6. Doc, Doc Goose

7. Simon Says Something Incoherent

8. Hide and Go Pee

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta


10. Musical Recliners

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Thank God

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something".
"We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
Chardonnay."

NoClockThing
Heretic


Joined: Thu Mar 15th, 2007
Location:  
Posts: 388
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
:d020a:

mayaXXX
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Dark Zone, Naturally
Posts: 2470
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
LOLOL... good one !!!  :c030a:

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Two WASPs were making love when the man looked down and said, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," she replied. "Why?"

"You moved."

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Lessons Grown-ups Learn From Kids

Lesson #1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
Lesson #2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

Lesson #3. A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

Lesson #4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a superman cape.

Lesson #5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

Lesson #6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

Lesson #7. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

Lesson #8. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

Lesson #9. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

Lesson #10. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh" it's already too late.

Lesson #11. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Lesson #12. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

Lesson #13. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.

Lesson #14. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

Lesson # 15. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

Lesson #16. Duplos will not.

Lesson #17. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Lesson #18. Super glue is forever.

Lesson #19. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

Lesson #20. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Lesson #21. Pool filters do not like Jello.

Lesson #22. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Lesson #23. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Lesson #24. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

Lesson # 25. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Lesson #26. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

Lesson #27. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

Lesson #28. It will however make cats dizzy.

Lesson #29. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Lesson #30. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.


Lesson #31. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).  

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
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Mana: 
Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette...
Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.

New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.

New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.

Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.

Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.

Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap

Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.

Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.

Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.

Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.

West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.

Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.

Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel, broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk. neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, you're all moving at the same speed either way.

Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26 blocks...also cradling cheap cell phone.

Maine: Beat up 1983 Dodge Ram pick-up truck, right hand holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee, cigarette dangling from mouth, greasy hair shoved underneath an oil stained cap and classic rock blaring from the radio.

Vancouver: Canadian beer in one hand, B.C. Weed in the other. Dick on the steering wheel

New Orleans: One hand on wheel, one hand holding down sum hookers head while she's givin' head!

Pennsylvania: Both hands on reigns.

California (Bay Area/Silicon Valley): One hand on laptop computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in dash board, cell phone attached to head with microphone earpiece, having a executive meeting with half a dozen people on speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and shoes kicked off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past hour.

Montana: One finger on steering wheel of jacked up 4x4, Charlie Daniels blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back, hay leaves blowing out of bed while going down the highway.

Nebraska: Two hands on wheel, with head lodged up ass, chunks of rust falling off by the pound.

Quebec: engaged in heated political discussion with espresso in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them.

Michigan: Both hands on wheel and head up ass.

Toronto: Both hands on the wheel, seat as far forward as possible, head fixed only looking forward, ignoring people behind and beside you, stopping and waiting for the road to fully clear before making any forward progress.


Los Angeles: Lowered Honda, can't see over dash, driving too fast or too slow, car sounds like a bee as it goes by.

Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
[size=2]Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box? She sat on Pinocchio's face
and told him to lie to her.
[/size]

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.

The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
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Mana: 
One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man. "It's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvelous," says the man. "Book my wife for next Tuesday!"

NoClockThing
Heretic


Joined: Thu Mar 15th, 2007
Location:  
Posts: 388
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
This may be useful information for you.

To All My Friends Who Have Barraged Me With Those Countless Informative Emails, Thought I Would Show My Appreciation With A Big Thanks
........................................

To Whoever Sent Me The One About Rat Poop In The Glue On Envelopes Because I Now Have To Use A Wet Towel With Every Envelope That Needs Sealing.

Also, I Now Have To Scrub the Top Of Every Can I Open For The Same Reason.

I No Longer Have Any Savings Because I Gave It To A Sick Girl (Penny Brown) Who Is About To Die In The Hospital For The 1,387,258th Time But That Will Change Once I Receive The $15,000 That Bill Gates/Microsoft And AOL Are Sending Me For Participating In Their Special E-mail Program.

I No Longer Worry About My Soul Because I Have 363,214 Angels Looking Out For Me, And St. Theresa's Novena Has Granted My Every Wish.

I No Longer Eat KFC Because Their Chickens Are Actually Horrible Mutant Freaks With No Eyes Or Feathers As Soon As I Get My Free Dinner Coupons From Applebee's, I Can Eat Again.

I No Longer Use Cancer-Causing Deodorants Even Though I Smell Like A Water Buffalo On A Hot Day.

Thanks To You, I Have Learned That My Prayers Only Get Answered If I Forward An Email To Seven Of My Friends And Make A Wish Within Five Minutes.

Because Of Your Concern I No Longer Drink Coca Cola Because It Can Remove Toilet Stains.

I No Longer Can Buy Gasoline Without Taking A Man Along To Watch The Car So A Serial Killer Won't Crawl In My Back Seat When I'm Pumping Gas.

I No Longer Drink Pepsi Or Dr. Pepper Since The People Who Make These Products Are Atheists Who Refuse To Put "Under God" On Their Cans.

I No Longer Use Saran Wrap In The Microwave Because It Causes Cancer.

And Thanks For Letting Me Know I Can't Boil A Cup Water In The Microwave Anymore Because It Will Blow Up In My Face..Disfiguring Me For Life.

I No Longer Check The Coin Return On Pay Phones Because I Could Be Pricked With A Needle Infected With Aids.

I No Longer Go To Shopping Malls Because Someone Will Drug Me With a Perfume Sample And Rob Me.

I No Longer Receive Packages From UPS Or Fedex Since They Are Actually Al Qaeda In Disguise.

I No Longer Shop At Target Since They Are French And Don't Support Our American Troops Or The Salvation Army.

I No Longer Answer the Phone Because Someone Will Ask Me To Dial A Number For Which I Will Get A Phone Bill Totaling $2,374.76 With Calls To Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , And Uzbekistan .

I No Longer Have Any Sneakers -- But That Will Change Once I Receive My Free Replacement Pair From Nike.

I No Longer Buy Expensive Cookies >From Neiman Marcus Since I Now Have Their Recipe.

And Thanks To Your Great Advice, I Can't Ever Pick Up $5.00 Dropped In The Parking Lot Because It Probably Was Placed There By A Sex Molester Waiting Underneath My Car To Grab My Leg.

Oh, And Don't Forget This One Either!

I Can No Longer Drive My Car Because I Can't Buy Gas From Certain Gas Companies!

Thanks To You, I Can't Use Anyone's Toilet But Mine Because A Big Brown African Spider Is Lurking Under The Seat To Cause Me Instant Death When It Bites My Butt.

And Remember, If You Don't Send This E-mail To At Least 144,000 People In The Next 7 Minutes, A Large Dove With Diarrhea Will Land On Your Head At 5:00 PM This Afternoon And The Fleas From 12 Camels Will Infest Your Back, Causing You To Grow A Hairy Hump.

I Know This Will Occur Because It Actually Happened To A Friend Of My Next Door Neighbor's Ex-Mother-In-law's Second Husband's Cousin's Beautician ... Have A Wonderful Day....

Oh Yes - One Last Bit Of Noteworthy News:
A South American Scientist From Argentina , After A Lengthy Study, Has Discovered That People With Insufficient Brain And Sexual Activity Read Their E-mail With Their Hand On The Mouse.

Don't Bother Taking It Off Now, It's Too Late
++++++++++++++++END++++++++++++++++++

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
LMAO, NoClockThing! I have definitely gotten some chain emails like that!

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
State Mottos
Alabama:
Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
By 30 Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet

Delaware:
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana:
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Spend Your Money, Then Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina:
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio:
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Ayuh

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming:
Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Scared

NoClockThing
Heretic


Joined: Thu Mar 15th, 2007
Location:  
Posts: 388
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
BWAHAHA!

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
What screams and can't turn around in a lift?

A baby with a javlin through it's head.

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7298
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
*A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"*


*Granny: "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Hospital Doctors
When some doctors were asked to contribute to the construction of a new wing at the hospital.....

The allergists voted to scratch it.

The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.

The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.

The microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein.

The neurologists thought the administration "had a lot of nerve".

The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.

The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.

The otologists were deaf to the idea.

The parasitologists said, "Well, if you encyst."

The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!".

The pediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.

The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."

The psychiatrists thought it was madness.

The radiologists could see right through it.

The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.


The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11443
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
Confucious Say.....

  • Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
  • It takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it.
  • Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
  • Man who sit on tack, get point.
  • Man with hand on tool not always mechanic.
  • Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.
  • He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
  • Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    X MEN, for all those ladies that have them, it's the husband voodoo doll, lol


    Last edited on Tue Jun 26th, 2007 12:13 am by Dragonflygurl

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Mana: 
    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.

    First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

    "If you could go to any planet, what planet would  you want to go to and why?"

    After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

    They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

    Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question.

    In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."

    Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

    Finally, the blonde entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead.

    She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

    The people from NASA replied, "why, don`t you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

    The blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips.

    "Are you guys dumb? I`d go at night!"
     

    Ketana
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    Mana: 
    Bill Clinton is jogging around and tells a Secret Service man, "I can't wait
    to get back to the White House so I can rip Monica's panties off!" The
    serviceman replies, "Aren't you a bit frisky sir? Bill says, "Nah..they're
    just riding up my crack!"

    NoClockThing
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    Mana: 
    After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his first cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

    "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

    The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

    "Trust me," said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.

    "1"



    "2"



    "3"



    "4"



    "5"



    At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC.

    Angel
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    LAWS WOMEN LIVE BY

    * Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

    * What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

    * If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

    * Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

    * Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

    * Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

    * Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

    * Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

    * Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.

    * Sadly, all men are created equal.
     

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


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    Mana: 
    Okay pay close attention 'cause I'm only gonna do this once!!

     



    WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST


    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.


    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.


    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.


    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.


    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.




    Keep reading-they get better!!!



     



    WOMEN'S REVENGE


    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.


    As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.


    "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.


    "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,


    and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."





     



    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN


    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)


    I know I'm not going to understand women.


    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,


    pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,


    and still be afraid of a spider.





     



    MARRIAGE SEMINAR


    While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,


    Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,


    "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other' s likes and dislikes."


    He addressed the man,


    "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"


    Tom leaned over, touched his wife' s arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?





     



    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS


    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.


    The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.


    He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.


    She directs him down the correct aisle.


    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.


    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?


    He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store


    to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco


    and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.


    So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.


    (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)





     



    WIFE VS. HUSBAND


    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.


    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and


    neither of them wanted to concede their position.


    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,


    the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"


    "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."





     



    WORDS


    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...


    30,000 to a man's 15,000.


    The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...


    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"





     



    CREATION


    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be


    so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.


    "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.


    God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;


    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !





     



    WHO DOES WHAT


    A man and his wife were having an argument about who


    should brew the coffee each morning.


    The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,


    and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.


    The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and


    you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."


    Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and beside s, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."


    Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."


    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"





     



    The Silent Treatment


    A man and his wife were having some problems at home


    and were giving each other the silent treatment.


    Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him


    at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.


    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,


    "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.


    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,


    when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.


    The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."


    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.





     



    God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece



    Angel
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    Mana: 

    These are actual calls to technical support help desks...
    A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"

    Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

    Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."

    Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"

    Tech Support: "Yeah."

    Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"

    Tech Support: "Uhhh... uh... uh... yeah."
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

    Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

    Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

    Customer: "What do you mean?"

    Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

    Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Customer: "My computer crashed!"

    Tech Support: "It crashed?"

    Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

    Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

    Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."

    Tech Support: "Huh?"

    Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work."

    Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.

    Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"


    Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

    Boloman
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    Mana: 
    Actual call to Tech Support: My computer isn't working,  Tech Support:  Is it plugged in?  I don't know let me get a flashlight,  Tech Support: Why do you need a flashlight?  Because there's a power outage and I can't see,  Tech Support: I can solve your problem, do you still have the box your computer came in?  Yes I do, Tech Support: Take the computer and put it in the box and take it back to the store you bought it !! Because you are too F###king stupid to own one !!!

    CheshireKat
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    Mana: 
    Boloman wrote: Actual call to Tech Support: My computer isn't working,  Tech Support:  Is it plugged in?  I don't know let me get a flashlight,  Tech Support: Why do you need a flashlight?  Because there's a power outage and I can't see,  Tech Support: I can solve your problem, do you still have the box your computer came in?  Yes I do, Tech Support: Take the computer and put it in the box and take it back to the store you bought it !! Because you are too F###king stupid to own one !!!I usderstand that support person got fired over that incident too

    CheshireKat
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    Mana: 
    Funniest pic of 2006

    Attachment: EWWW.jpg (Downloaded 23 times)

    Boloman
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    Mana: 
    I heard he got fired too,  Hows this for sweet and innocent ?

    Attachment: qantas_1.jpg (Downloaded 22 times)

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Mana: 



    Drunken Man and Blonde
     



        

    After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
    The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
    The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

    Dragonflygurl
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    THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER


     Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
     husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
     telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
     suggestion.


     "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
     paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."


     Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
     front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.


     "How long will this take?" I asked.

     "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.


     I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
     breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"


     Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"


     He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again
     although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

     Stupid, stupid man

    Angel
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    Mana: 
    Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"  Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"  Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.  Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.  Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"


    The next to arrive is Picasso.  Once again, Saint Peter asks forcredentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"  Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
    Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"


    Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"  Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

    Dragonflygurl
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    Mana: 
    Angel wrote: Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"  Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"  Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.  Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.  Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"


    The next to arrive is Picasso.  Once again, Saint Peter asks forcredentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"  Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
    Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"


    Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"  Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

    :laughing1:

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


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    Mana: 
    What is black and white and green and black and white?
    Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle.

    What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and
    down?
    A nun churning butter.

    What is black and white and screams "YES! YES! YES!"
    A nun winning at BINGO.

    What is black and white and pink and hard?
    A nun stopping, lifting her habit up to her shins, and
    sratching her ankle bone.

    What is black and white and gooey and creamy?
    A nun eating a bowl of Tapioca pudding.

    What is black and white and makes a wet, sucking sound?
    A toothless, elderly nun eating a Communion wafer.



     

    *bows head* Dear Lord forgive my indiscretions :D

     

    :US76FLAG: 

    Dragonflygurl
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    Mana: 
    How to weigh yourself

    I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    Mana: 
    Ketana wrote: What is black and white and green and black and white?
    Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle.

    What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and
    down?
    A nun churning butter.

    What is black and white and screams "YES! YES! YES!"
    A nun winning at BINGO.

    What is black and white and pink and hard?
    A nun stopping, lifting her habit up to her shins, and
    sratching her ankle bone.

    What is black and white and gooey and creamy?
    A nun eating a bowl of Tapioca pudding.

    What is black and white and makes a wet, sucking sound?
    A toothless, elderly nun eating a Communion wafer.



     

    *bows head* Dear Lord forgive my indiscretions :D

     

    :US76FLAG: 

    :roflrofla:They are really good.

    What about this one then.

    What goes black, white, black, white, red?

    A nun on a meat slicer!

    Last edited on Wed Jul 4th, 2007 04:24 pm by Dragonflygurl

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Mana: 
    The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person.

    Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."

    1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
    - No foreplay.

    2. Can't hail a cab.
    - Impotent.

    3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
    - Prefers virgins.

    4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way.
    - He is a virgin.

    5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
    - Will swallow.

    6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
    - Has trouble reaching orgasm.

    7. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..."
    - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

    8. Asks for "the usual"
    - Insists on missionary position only.

    9. Asks what the specials are.
    - Will want you to use handcuffs.

    10. Fills up on bread and crackers.
    - Premature ejaculator.

    11. Drinks decaf.
    - Fakes orgasms.

    12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
    - Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

    13. Credit card is refused.
    - Low sperm count.

    14. Under tips waiter.
    - Small penis.

    15. Uses toothpick.
    - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Mana: 
    So one morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
     
    Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
     
    The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
     
    So, the blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says:
     
    "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
     
    "Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


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    Mana: 
    [size=2]There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man
    came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only
    sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole
    head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so
    he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants
    to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned
    around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this
    gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the
    man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got
    yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the
    way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.
    Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why
    did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all
    just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed
    the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
    [/size]

    Ketana
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    Mana: 

    1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.


     


    2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.


     


    3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!


     


    4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.


     


    5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 


     


    6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.


     


    7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me


     


    8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


     


    9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.


     


    10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.


     


    11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.


     


    12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.


     


    13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.


     


    14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.


     


    15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 


     


    16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


     


    17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!


     


    18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.


     


    19. Procrastinate Now!


     


    20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?


     


    21 A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


     


    22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance


     


    23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!


     


    24.They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.


     


    25.He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.


    26.A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three


    thousand times the memory.


     


    27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.


     


    28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.


     


    29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.


     


    30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.



    Boloman
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    Mana: 
    My cousin sent me this, I thought he was serious.   "I got into an accident yesterday, My fault actually, I was paying attention more to the brunette in the car next to me than where I was going and I rear ended an SUV, nothing serious, just a fender bender, But the guy I hit Jumped out of his Escalade, and he was like three feet Tall! I mean he was a Dwarf! And he Was PISSED!! He stomped back to my car and looked up at me and said, I AM NOT HAPPY!  So I looked out the window and asked, So which one ARE you?  Now I have to fix the dent in my door too!!

    Angel
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    Mana: 
    A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch. The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.
     
    "What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer. The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"

    CheshireKat
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
    Location: Colorado USA
    Posts: 2920
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    Mana: 
    4 stages of life

    Attachment: 4 stages.jpg (Downloaded 19 times)

    NoClockThing
    Heretic


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    Mana: 

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    LMAO, Chessie, so true, so true!

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    CheshireKat wrote: 4 stages of life



    OMG Chessie that is so funny:roflrofla:

    I think the IV drip applies to me now.

     

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home
    sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear.
    She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her
    to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.
    When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show
    him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like
    this before?"

    "Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night the
    granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing
    a see through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back up
    stairs and "dress decent."
    The young woman said, "No, I want to show off my rosebuds" and went out the
    door.
    The next day the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the
    porch wearing the see through blouse without a bra.
    "Grandmother!! What are you doing? My boyfriend and a couple of other friends
    are coming over any time now!" she cried. "Please go change your blouse, I'm so
    embarrassed!!"
    The older woman replied, "Well if you can show off your rosebuds then I can
    show off my hanging baskets."

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Mana: 






    Subject: Young Married Couple

    A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young

    Jamaican husbands' constant demands for sex, decides to make a

    schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that

    they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

    While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of

    paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending

    requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired.

    So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with

    the letter 'T', to minimize the frequency of our

    lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just

    understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my

    request is too demanding of you."

    On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet

    and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her

    sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of

    her proposal when he reads it.

    Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and

    notices that her note has-been replaced with a note from

    her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realize that I

    was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry. I

    accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of

    listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the

    letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

    1. TUESDAY

    2. THURSDAY

    3. TODAY

    4. TONIGHT

    5.TOMORROW

    6. TATURDAY

    7. TUNDAY

    8. Every Tucking Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    P.S. I love you too, and it's still TODAY, I'm waiting for you upstairs."

     

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...
    AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

    BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

    DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

    DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

    DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

    FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

    FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

    FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

    GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

    HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

    IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

    INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

    LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

    OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

    PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

    PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

    PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

    SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

    STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

    STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

    TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

    THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

    TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

    TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

    VERBAL: able to whine in words.

    WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

    WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.


    WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

    NoClockThing
    Heretic


    Joined: Thu Mar 15th, 2007
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    Mana: 
    Men always hear the "Rules" from the female side, so here are the rules from the male side. Please note that they are always numbered "1" as they are all the golden rule.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Saturday=Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is a vegetable. We have no idea what Mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.

    1. When we want to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

    Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    Mana: 
    They say men don't listen

    Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary
     and his wife was really ticked off at him.
     
     She told him, "tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
     that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
     The next morning, Mark got up really early before work.
     
     When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window,
     and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of
     the driveway.
     
     Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the
     box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale…
     



     Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors.

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    That Darn Cat
     



        

    There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks.
    He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.
    The cat starts to stumble home, and when he came to the train tracks, he didn't notice a train coming down the tracks.

    As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned his head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated.
    The moral of the story — don't lose your head over a piece of tail!

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    LMAO, Angel that's funny

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    [size=2]Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection
    they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on
    the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle.
    What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

    The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that
    what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed
    inside the circle God kept.

    The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and
    what God wants, God takes."
    [/size]

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    Mana: 

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    Mana: 

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    LMAO, DFG, I bet most parents wish for one of those.

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Mana: 
    A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.
     
    The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred!"
     
    The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
     
    The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Mana: 
    HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS
    (Actual writings from hospital charts)
     
     1. The patient refused autopsy.
     
     2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
     
     3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
     
     4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
     
     5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
     
     6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
     
     7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
     
     8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
     
     9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
     
    10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
     
    11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
     
    12. She is numb from her toes down.
     
    13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
     
    14. The skin was moist and dry.
     
    15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
     
    16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
     
    17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
     
    18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
     
    19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
     
    20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
     
    21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
     
    22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
     
    23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
     
    24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
     
    25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Mana: 

    Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
     
    When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
    He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

    When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

    The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

    When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."

    The clerk said, "Me too!"

    One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."

    He called me a show off.

    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."

    The Judge said, "Me too!"

    Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --

    My case comes up next Thursday.


    Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely."
     
    And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

    CheshireKat
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
    Location: Colorado USA
    Posts: 2920
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    Mana: 
    Angel wrote:
    Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
     
    When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
    He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

    When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

    The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

    When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."

    The clerk said, "Me too!"

    One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."

    He called me a show off.

    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."

    The Judge said, "Me too!"

    Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --

    My case comes up next Thursday.


    Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely."
     
    And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
    LOL  When I was a teenager, I had a beagle I named Venus. She was a very pretty dog, but the 3 year old next door couldn't pronounce her name. His v's came out as p's, so he used to come over and ask to play with Penus!:D True story.

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Mana: 
                                     Global Warming

     


    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    Mana: 
    LOL, that is so wrong but funny

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Mana: 
    SOUTHERN FUNNIES!

    A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
    He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
    The driver says, "Bout what?"
    ---------------------
    Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
    She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
    ---------------------
    What's the most popular pick up line in Kentucky?
    Nice tooth!
    ---------------------
    Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
    "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
    Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
    The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
    There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
    ---------------------
    How can you tell if a redneck is married?
    There is dried chewing tobacco on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
    ---------------------
    What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Kentucky?
    - A documentary.
    What do they call it in Tennessee?
    - "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
    --------------------
    Two Kentuckians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
    "Jus' some chickens."
    "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
    "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
    "OK. Ummmmm ... five?"
    ---------------------
    What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.
    ---------------------
    A Kentuckian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,
    "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
    OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
    "Don't you still have them big red trucks?"

    Bilbo67
    Heretic


    Joined: Fri Oct 27th, 2006
    Location: The Daisy Hill Cluster Lizard Farm
    Posts: 479
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    Mana: 
    Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey Descartes, what'll it be? Whiskey?" Descartes says "I think not!", and vanishes.
     
     
    ....ok, that was stupid...

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    :laughing1:

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Words Women Use and Their Meanings





    WORDS WOMEN USE

    FINE

    this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
    you need to shut up.

    FIVE MINUTES

    If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    NOTHING

    This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

    GO AHEAD

    This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

    LOUD SIGH

    This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
    over "Nothing"

    THAT'S OKAY

    This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
    man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    THANKS

    A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

    Oh, and before we forget ...

    "Whatever"

    ...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

    NoClockThing
    Heretic


    Joined: Thu Mar 15th, 2007
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    Mana: 
    *lol*

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    Funny names for people's business, can you believe the below one, lol


    Last edited on Thu Jul 26th, 2007 11:56 am by Dragonflygurl

    Angel
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    Mana: 
    LOLOL!

    NoClockThing
    Heretic


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    Mana: 
    *lol*

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    Mana: 
    I just type that website into my browser to find out what sort of company they are and well they are based in non other then Toronto. Trust the Canadadian's sense of humour.

    The build and restore old buildings.

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    Mana: 
    Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
    "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
    If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

    She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

    She's such a bitch......!!!!!!!!!!!

    NoClockThing
    Heretic


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    NoClockThing
    Heretic


    Joined: Thu Mar 15th, 2007
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    Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

    To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
    1) Argued over nothing.
    2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
    3) Gained weight.
    4) Talked excessively without making sense.
    5) Became overly emotional.
    6) Couldn't drive.
    7) Failed to think rationally.
    8) Had to sit down while urinating.

    No further testing was considered necessary.

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    :d020a:

    NoClockThing
    Heretic


    Joined: Thu Mar 15th, 2007
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    How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
    How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Brooklyn Tony ON MATH
    Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

    "Why?" asks the father.

    The teacher asked ' How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.

    "But that's right!" says his dad.

    "Yeah, but then she asked me ' How much is 3x2?'"

    "What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.


    "That's what I said!"

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    SECOND THOUGHTS?


     


    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    Angel wrote:

    SECOND THOUGHTS?



     





    :roflrofla:

     

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Dictionary of Dating -


    Dictionary Of Dating
    ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

    LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

    DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

    BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

    EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

    EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

    FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

    INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

    INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

    IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

    LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

    NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.


    SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

    CheshireKat
    Divine Assassin


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    thought for the day:

    DYSLEXICS UNTIE

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    LOL, that's so funny Chessie and I suffer with that too

    NoClockThing
    Heretic


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    In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

    The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

    Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

    Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    LOLOL!  I drink the Mount and Do almost every day.  Whoops that's Mountain Dew. :d020a:

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer10. The monitor is up on blocks.

    9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

    8. The six front keys have rotted out.

    7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

    6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

    5. The password is "Huntin".

    4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

    3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

    2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

    1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    LMAO. I especially like the last one, the mouse referred as a critter.

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Mana: 

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Dragonflygurl wrote:
    LMAO!  That's a good one!

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:

    1. Here honey, you use the remote.

    2. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

    3. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

    4. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

    5. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

    6. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

    7. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.

    8. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

    9. We never talk anymore

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Ten Things A Cat Thinks About

    1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

    2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

    3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?

    4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?

    5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?

    6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.

    7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.



    8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?

    9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?

    10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    LOL, Number 1 really applies to my two cats.

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    INTERNET PROPHECY -
    And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

    And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

    Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land."

    And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so." And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

    But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

    And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camels. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

    And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks.

    And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

    "Whoopee!" said Abraham.

    "No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    Man Perks.....

    They have it easy, don't they?

    Man Perks

    Being a man definitely has its perks...

    1. Your backside is never a factor in a job interview.

    2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

    3. Your last name stays put.

    4. The garage is all yours.

    5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

    6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from having an elicit affair.

    7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

    8. The world is your urinal.

    9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

    10. Same work .. more pay.

    11. Wrinkles-add character.

    12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

    13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

    14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

    15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

    16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

    17. One mood, ALL the time.

    18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

    19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

    20. You can open all your own jars.

    21.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

    22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

    23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

    24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

    25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

    26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

    27. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

    28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

    29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

    30. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

    31. No maxi-pads.

    Bilbo67
    Heretic


    Joined: Fri Oct 27th, 2006
    Location: The Daisy Hill Cluster Lizard Farm
    Posts: 479
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    Mana: 
    Ah, this takes me back...

    College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version

    Time Limit: 3 Weeks


    Name: _____________________________


    1. What language is spoken in France?


    2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.


    3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
    ___ (a) build a bridge
    ___ (b) sail the ocean
    ___ (c) lead an army or
    ___ (d) WRITE A PLAY


    4. What religion is the Pope?(check only one)
    ___ (a) Jewish
    ___ (b) Catholic
    ___ (c) Hindu
    ___ (d) Polish
    ___ (e) Agnostic


    5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?


    6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?


    7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)


    8. What are people in America's far north called?
    ___ (a) Westerners
    ___ (b) Southerners
    ___ (c) Northerners


    9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
    Bush: __________________________________________
    Carter: __________________________________________
    Clinton: __________________________________________


    10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:


    11. Where does rain come from?
    ___ (a) Macy's
    ___ (b) a 7-11
    ___ (c) Canada
    ___ (d) the sky


    12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
    ___ (a) yes
    ___ (b) no


    13. What are coat hangers used for?


    14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?


    15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.


    16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?


    17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
    ___ (a) New York
    ___ (b) Florida
    ___ (c) Canada
    ___ (d) Wisconsin


    18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?


    19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?


    20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
    ___ (a) B.C.
    ___ (b) A.D.

    NoClockThing
    Heretic


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    Mana: 

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
    A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.

    A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.

    As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]

    Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

    Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

    Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

    I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

    I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.

    I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

    If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

    In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!

    Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.

    Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.

    Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?

    Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

    Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's.

    Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....

    Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.

    Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

    Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

    Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

    Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

    Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.

    They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.


    When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

    NoClockThing
    Heretic


    Joined: Thu Mar 15th, 2007
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    Mana: 
    Good ones :D

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
    Posts: 7298
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class  was
    squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying  attention.

    She went back to find out what was going on.  He was quite
    embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and
    he was quite itchy.  The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
    office.

     He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do
     about it.  He did it and returned to his class.

     Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
     She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his
     penis hanging out.

     "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

     "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it
     out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    Dick Cheney's pimpdaddy -


    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 

    A cowboy, visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat  awhile after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.


    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
     

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    Angel wrote:
    A cowboy, visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat  awhile after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.


    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
     

    :laughing1:  That's a good one.

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

    The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

    The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

    The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

    The blonde says: ........... "Don't you have a vase?"

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    The Top Signs That You Have A Boring Job

    1. You're introduced to everyone as "The Minesweeper God".

    2. You have visited every website in the world.

    3. You're the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama.

    4. You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour.

    5. You're able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth.

    6. Your doctor says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life.

    7. You've seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo.

    8. Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long.

    9. In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket.

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 

    Test Yourself : Are you a Neanderthal?
    1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? +5

    2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? -5

    3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, +3

    4. How about a forehead? If not, +3

    5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? +5

    6. Do you ever open beer bottles with your teeth? +10

    7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting in a chair? +5

    8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, +1 for every five degrees of slope.

    9. Less than five feet tall? +1 for every inch under.

    10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm,+1 for every inch of difference.

    11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.

    12. Pigeon-toed? +5

    13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? You're normal--no points.

    14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold an apple? +5

    15. Do you regularly eat apples in this fashion? +15

    16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? +10

    17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat? +5

    18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"? +3
     
    Scoring

    0-20 points: You are a virtually pure homosapien. Feel free to build bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.

    20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one will notice.

    40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give you away.

    60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider a career in pro football.


    80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no place for you in human society. A career in politics is recommended.

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
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    Mana: 
    A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small
    cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.

    "Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.

    "To take the pain away, " sobbed the little girl.

    Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.

    The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.

    "It doesn't work!" she yelled.

    "What do you mean?" asked Mom.

    "Well, " sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she
    gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
     

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    [size=2]One day there were two boys playing by a stream when they
    saw a woman bathing naked. All of a sudden one of the boys
    took off running. The other boy took off after his friend.
    After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away.
    "Well," the boy said, "my mom told me that if I ever saw a
    naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something
    getting hard so I ran."
    [/size]
    [size=2]arrgggh little boys are so cute! LOL[/size]

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Mana: 
     How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
    it's not hard.[/size]
     
    :kissmyass:

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Posts: 2510
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    Have you heard about the new low-fat communion bread?
    It's called "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus"!

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
    Posts: 2510
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    A man had a big date with a very sexy blonde, he decided to lay out on a sunny
    day on his roof to get a good tan but he fell asleep and burnt his manly part.
    Not wanting to cancel the big date he rubbed lotion on it and hoped it would be
    ok.
    During the middle of there date he asked to be excused because his manly
    had started hurting.... he went into the kitchen poured a tall glass of milk and
    stuck his penis in it.The blonde worried walked in the kitchen and seen him....
    as he was very embarrassed and about to explain to the blonde said "Oh so that's
    how you guys load them things

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has
    decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hick phonics," as a language to be
    taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the English/English
    dictionary:

    HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.

    HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
    Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

    BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow”.
    Usage: "My brother bards my pickup truck."

    JUJU -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-anta.
    Usage: "My brother from Juju bards my pickup truck."

    MINTS -- noun. A calendar division.
    Usage: "My brother from Juju bard my pickup truck, and I isn’t herd from him
    in mints."

    INERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native”.
    Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are inert!"

    RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight’ in' bolts.
    Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother
    from Juju bard a few mints ago."

    ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
    Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Juju puts all in my pickup truck."

    FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
    Usage: "If my brother from Juju don't change the all in my pickup truck, that
    things going to catch far”.

    BASH -- noun. A supervisor.
    Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and get back to work
    (or studying), your bash is going to far you!"

    TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
    Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Juju don't get a flat tar in my
    pickup truck."

    TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
    Usage: "Lord willing' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
    Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

    RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
    Usage: "My gram paw retard at age 65."

    TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
    Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-anta, and boy my arms are tarred."

    FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.

    ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

    RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
    Usage: "We Southerners are willing' to fat for are rats."

    FARM -- adjective. Not local.
    Usage: "I cud dint understand a word he seed... must be from some farm
    country."

    DID -- adjective. Not alive.
    Usage: "He's did, Jim."

    EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
    Usage: "He can’t breath ... give 'imp some ear!"

    BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
    Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

    JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.
    Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Juju got a job with that bob war Fence
    Company?"

    HAZE -- a contraction.
    Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze inert."

    SEED -- verb, past tense.

    VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
    Usage: "I isn’t never seed New York City... view?"

    HEAVY DEW -- phrase. A request for action.
    Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

    GUMMITE -- noun. A bureaucratic institution.
    Usage: "Them gummite boys shore are inert."

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    Mana: 
    Ketana wrote: Have you heard about the new low-fat communion bread?
    It's called "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus"!


    :laughing1:

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Posts: 7298
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    An Aussie farmer was walking down the road with a sheep under each arm.

    He passed a neighbouring farmer, who greeted him " G'Day mate ! You shearing?"

    The farmer replied " No, mate, I'm gonna fuck 'em both myself".

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Posts: 7298
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    So much for the smoking ban…..

    Two Muslim men were caught smoking a few weeks ago at Glasgow airport.

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
    Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
    Posts: 11443
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    :roflmao:Ketana wrote: Have you heard about the new low-fat communion bread?
    It's called "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus"!


    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 

    The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
    "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
    I didn't look up the original reference.

    "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
    These data are practically meaningless.

    "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
    An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

    "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
    The other results didn't make any sense.

    "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
    This is the prettiest graph.

    "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
    I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

    "IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
    Once.

    "IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
    Twice.

    "IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
    Thrice.

    "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
    I think.

    "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
    A couple of others think so, too.

    "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
    Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

    "ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
    Rumor has it.

    "A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
    A really wild guess.

    "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
    Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

    "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
    I don't understand it....and I never will.

    "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
    They don't understand it either.

    "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
    A totally useless topic selected by my committee.


    "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
    I am pleased to feed you bullshit.

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 

    You know you work in Corporate America if...
    You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

    You worked for the same company for 4 years and sat at more than 10 different desks.

    You've been in the same job for 4 years and have had 10 different managers.

    You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.

    When someone asks about what you do for a living, you can't explain it in one sentence.

    You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

    You use acronyms in your sentences.

    Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

    You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

    It's dark when you drive to and from work.

    Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

    The word "opportunity" makes you shiver in fear.

    You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

    Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

    Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.

    Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

    Art involves a white board.

    You're already late on the assignment you just got.

    Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only.

    Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you're freed up".


    You read this entire list and understood it.

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 

    You know something?
     
    When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
    When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

    In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

    When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

    When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

    When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.


    I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

    NAME: Greg Bulmash

    SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

    DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION: Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

    SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

    DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

    SIGN HERE: Aries.

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
    Posts: 2510
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was
    so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was
    home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor
    instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the
    woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little
    while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the
    bottom to get him to take his first breath.
    "Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the
    first place!!"

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
    Posts: 2510
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back
    with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.
    How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and
    do you have a good relationship with your God?"

    George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's
    fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom
    (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when
    I'm done."

    "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

    A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said,
    "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in
    awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night
    and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes
    off?"

    Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
    again!"

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
    Posts: 2510
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    One day in the middle of the desert a man's car breaks down.
    He sees a gas station about 5 minutes away, so he pushes his car to the gas
    station. Six hours and lots of money later, the man's car is fixed, but night is
    falling. The man asks the mechanic, "Hey, where is the nearest hotel?"

    The mechanic replies, "No hotel here, but about 100 miles down the road you'll
    see there's a room under the cactus there. But what ever you do don't touch the
    big pink gorilla."

    The man drives to the cactus. He opens a door and shuts it behind him, finds
    another door and shuts it behind him, then he finds a third door and shuts it
    behind him.

    Lo and behold he sees a big pink gorilla in the room. The gorilla is docile
    and looks so cute and soft he's dying to touch it. He can't help himself. He
    walks over to the cage and starts trying to touch him through the bars.

    As soon as the man lays a finger on him, the big pink gorilla freaks out. He
    beats his chest and rips his cage door clean off.

    The man runs for his life. He opens the first door, slams it behind him. Opens
    the second door, slams it behind him. The man hear a crash as he opens the third
    door and slams it behind him.

    The man hears a roar. He runs to the car, opens the door and shuts it. He
    locks all the doors and starts the car, as he sees the big pink gorilla racing
    towards him.

    The big pink gorilla rips the car door off his car.The man thinks he's going
    to faint.

    The gorilla pokes the guy and says, "Tag you're it!"

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
    Posts: 2510
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    What do you call an Amish man on the side of the road, with his hand up a
    horse's ass?
    A mechanic

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
    Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
    Posts: 11443
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    What a drag it is getting old...... When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench near the food court and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
     
    She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."

    I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"

    She said: "he makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
    I said: "Well so why are you crying?"

    She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."

    I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

    She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

    One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

    After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

    As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
    The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
    Posts: 7298
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    Why to Avoid a 'Girls Night Out' After you Are Married. The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him...'cuz 3 + 9 = 12! So smart!

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem too upset at all. I was thinking....'Whew! Got away with that...'Then he said, 'I think we need a new cuckoo clock.' When asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then it said 'Oh sh*t!', and cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
    Posts: 2510
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    Dragonflygurl wrote: Why to Avoid a 'Girls Night Out' After you Are Married. The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him...'cuz 3 + 9 = 12! So smart!

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem too upset at all. I was thinking....'Whew! Got away with that...'Then he said, 'I think we need a new cuckoo clock.' When asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then it said 'Oh sh*t!', and cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
    Posts: 2510
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
    Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
    Posts: 11443
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    Ketana wrote:

    LMAO!  That's so cute!

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    Ever had one of those days?



     

    CheshireKat
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
    Location: Colorado USA
    Posts: 2920
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
    submitted to Walmart in Arkansas .

    They hired him because he was so funny.....


    NAME: Jack Buckley

    SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one
    who
    will cooperate)

    DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
    seriously,
    whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't
    be
    applying here in the first place ?

    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
    style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we
    can
    haggle.

    EDUCATION: Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

    PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
    post-it notes.

    ! REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
    more
    intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
    LIFTING UP
    TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
    "Do
    you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be
    a
    winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

    DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
    On my breaks - yes!

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
    with a
    fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the
    greatest
    thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

    NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
    KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
    Posts: 7298
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
    Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
    Posts: 11443
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 

    The Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
    10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

    9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

    8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

    7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

    6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day".

    5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

    4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

    3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

    2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "m"s on them.

    And Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO...


    1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
    Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
    Posts: 11443
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    The Top 10 Types of Computer Shit

    1. Apple: We made shit look better, circa 1984.

    2. Microsoft: We shit on Apple, circa 1990

    3. H-P: We turned shit into many colors.

    4. Compaq: We made shit portable, circa 1982.

    5. Dell: We make shit available via FedEx.

    6. Gateway: We put shit together in South Dakota.

    7. Sony: We were constipated until 1996.

    8. Cray: We make shit fly real fast.

    9. IBM: We still think we are hot shit.

    10. Intel: We help you shit faster.

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Posts: 7298
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    Mana: 
    Angel I love your avator. Is Michael McManus saying, my girth is this thick, lol

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    Priest Tell No Lie!

    Getting a hairdryer through customs a distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
    "Of course child. What may I do for you?"
    "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
    "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
    "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
    When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
    The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
    "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
    The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
    "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
    Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Mana: 


    MOON RIVER

    Last edited on Sun Sep 9th, 2007 07:27 pm by Dragonflygurl

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Posts: 7298
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    DECOY


    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
    Posts: 7298
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
    Posts: 7298
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    Mana: 


    Last edited on Sun Sep 9th, 2007 07:31 pm by Dragonflygurl

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    Restroom Policy

    TO: All Employees
    From: Management
    Re: Restroom Policy

    In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines.

    Effective Marcg. 25, 20001a Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

    Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20 points. RTC can be accumulated from month to month.

    Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition. During the next two (2) weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to management. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of Feb. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this period. It will be restrictive starting April 1, 2001.

    If an employee's RTB balances at zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice print until the first of the month.

    In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time paper roll retractor. If the restroom is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound throughout the entire building. A computer simulated voice will be activated and announce over the public announcing system the name of the delinquent employee. Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the restroom door will automatically open. If at that time, the employee still remains seated inside the stall, the restroom cameras (which will be linked to the payroll and security console) will turn on.

    Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated.
    If you have any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask your supervisor.

    Thank You!
    Management

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Mana: 

    Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde.
    They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

    About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft.

    When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."

    The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it.

    She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

    Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it.

    She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.


    Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".

    Bilbo67
    Heretic


    Joined: Fri Oct 27th, 2006
    Location: The Daisy Hill Cluster Lizard Farm
    Posts: 479
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    Mana: 
    This one takes me back (all of three years)...


    TOP 10 WAYS TO FREAK OUT YOUR ROOMMATE

    10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''

    9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

    8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''

    7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''

    6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

    5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

    4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When yourroommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

    3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.

    2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''

    1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want
    to watch them suffer.'''

    Bilbo67
    Heretic


    Joined: Fri Oct 27th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    And, once the sun has set on your dorm days, here's a few ways to befuddle your neighbors:


    1.) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.

    2.) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones.

    3.)Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e.: chairs, books,lamps, etc.)

    4.) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies", then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage." walk away laughing hysterically.

    5.)Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that there is a 3 foot neutral zone between the two yards.

    6.) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again."

    7.) When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a beer, and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.

    8.)Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors. Each day hack off a different part of their body.

    9.) Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)

    10.) Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
    Posts: 2510
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    Mana: 
    um Bilbo, honey...you see those nice men carrying that very pretty white coat..it's for you dear..now don't struggle..soon the pretty pills will make everything feel all happy..nice Bilbo..nice...*ZAP* *sigh* they all go this way after being here awhile..

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
    Posts: 2510
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    Dragonflygurl wrote: Angel I love your avator. Is Michael McManus saying, my girth is this thick, lol
    no what he's actually saying is..."his hole was this big, honest!"

    Bilbo67
    Heretic


    Joined: Fri Oct 27th, 2006
    Location: The Daisy Hill Cluster Lizard Farm
    Posts: 479
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    How to amuse yourself when you are dragged to Wal-Mart against your will (yes, I've done a few of these in my time...you're free to guess which ones):




    Grab boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking. 

    Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals. 

    Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens. 

    Put some M&M's on layaway. 

    Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpeted areas. 

    Set up a tent in the camping department.  Tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department and are not averse to spooning. 

    When someone asks if they can help you, start to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone?" 

    Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 

    Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible

    While handling guns in the hunting department, casually ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 

    Go to the auto department and practice your Madonna look using different size funnels. 

    Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!" 

    When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!" 

    Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 

    Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners at once.

    Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

    Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

    Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

    When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
    Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and crank the volumes to "10".

    Play with the automatic doors to your heart's content.

    Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

    While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself--just loud enough for all to hear-- "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?" (Works in the jewelry department as well).

    Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a test drive.

    Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they get to their car, then smile politely and say "Same time tomorrow" just before they slam the door and speed off.

    Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field.

    As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

    Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles.

    Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. (A British accent helps here)

    Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

    TP as much of the store as possible.

    Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

    Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. 

    When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

    Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

    Cordon off an entire aisle in the toy department by setting up a full scale battle between the G.I. Joes and the X-Men.

    Take bets on the aforementioned battle.

    Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

    Hold indoor shopping cart races.

    Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

    Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

    Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?" (Once again, best done with a British accent)

    Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

    Two words: Marco Polo.

    Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

    "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

    When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

    Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out, then beligerantly drag a lounge chair over to the magazine section and resume relaxing.  If the store has a food court, buy a drink.  Explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can "Irish up" your iced tea and put a little umbrella in it.

    NoClockThing
    Heretic


    Joined: Thu Mar 15th, 2007
    Location:  
    Posts: 388
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and never finished."

    So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off 23 Bud Lights, a bottle of Absolute, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
    Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
    Posts: 11443
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    Bilbo67 wrote: How to amuse yourself when you are dragged to Wal-Mart against your will (yes, I've done a few of these in my time...you're free to guess which ones):


     

    Okay I'll hazard a guess you've:

    Grab boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking. 


    Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 

    Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible

    While handling guns in the hunting department, casually ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 


    Am I right? LOL!

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
    Posts: 2510
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    NoClockThing wrote: I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and never finished."

    So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off 23 Bud Lights, a bottle of Absolute, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

    :lach::54654::smiley_880::yourock::P:smiley_436::roflmao:

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    Computers: Male or Female?

    An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

    He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked "What gender is a computer"?

    The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, for the following reasons:

    1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

    2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

    3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they cause the problem.

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

    The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

    3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

     

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 

    President George W. Bush Quotes of Stupidity
    10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." - LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

    9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." - Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

    8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." - Second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

    7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

    6) "You work three jobs? Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." - To a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

    5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." - Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

    4) "They misunderestimated me." - Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

    3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" - Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

    2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004


    1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee ... I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee ... that says, fool me once, shame on ... shame on you. Fool me ... you can't get fooled again." - Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    What men really mean!

    “It’s a guy thing.”
    Really means….”There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

    “Can I help with dinner?”
    Really means….”Why isn’t it already on the table?”

    “Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”
    Really means….Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

    “It would take too long to explain.”
    Really means…”I have no idea how it works.

    “We’re going to be late.”
    Really means….”Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

    “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
    Really means….”I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

    “That’s interesting, dear.”
    Really means….”Are you still talking?”

    “It’s a really good movie.”
    Really means….”It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women.”

    “That’s women’s work.”
    Really means….”It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”

    “You know how bad my memory is.”
    “Really means…. “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

    “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
    Really means…. “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

    “Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
    Really means…. “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

    “Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
    Really means…. “…And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

    “I can’t find it.”
    Really means…. “It didn’t fall right into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

    “What did I do this time?”
    Really means…. “What did you catch me at?”

    “I heard you.”
    Really means…. “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

    “You know I could never love anyone else.”
    Really means…. “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

    “You look terrific.”
    Really means…. “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”

    “I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
    Really means…. “No one will ever see us alive again.”

    “We share the housework.”
    Really means…. “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”





    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    So one morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
     
    Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
     
    The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
     
    So, the blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says:
     
    "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
     
    "Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

    Bilbo67
    Heretic


    Joined: Fri Oct 27th, 2006
    Location: The Daisy Hill Cluster Lizard Farm
    Posts: 479
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    Mana: 

    America's favorite spectator sport, as seen through the eyes of bleeding-heart hippy types:


    Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that should be banned. But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it when you're not out dry humping trees or protesting your local gas station as a pollution-mongering crime against the Earth. But when you're watching 22 steroid-chomping overmuscled monsters (i.e, men) try to beat each other senseless in a series of imperialist land grabs, how do you know who to cheer for?

    We have the answer: Ranking the entire NFL in terms of What We Know Is Rightä .


    Our General Principles:



    1. Any animal is better than any human.
    2. Endangered animals are better than non-endangered animals.
    3. Native Americans are better than other oppressed/discriminated minorities are better than any other human.
    4. Humans guilty of crimes against other humans > humans guilty of crimes against animals > humans guilty of crimes against the Earth.
    5. Team names that aren't PC need to be fixed.

    Some Special Cases:

    1. Dolphins are the ultimate.
    2. People who love their country are the absolute worst -- lower than snake shit.

    And so, the Rankings:

    Miami Noble, Intelligent, and Wise Dolphins
    Philadelphia Endangered Bald Eagles
    Atlanta Endangered Peregrine Falcons
    Cincinnati Endangered Bengal Tigers
    Chicago Endangered Grizzly Bears
    St. Louis Sort-Of-Endangered Rams
    Seattle Generic Sea Birds, Some Of Which Are Endangered
    Denver Horses Ridden Abusively By Humans
    Baltimore Corvus Coraxes, Smartest of all Birds
    Detroit Lions
    Jacksonville Jaguars
    Carolina Panthers
    Indianapolis Colts
    Washington Native Americans
    Kansas City Native American Leaders
    Cleveland Players Of Color
    New York Society for the Vertically and Gravitationally Enhanced
    New Orleans Sanctimonious Morality-Imposers
    Phoenix Misogynistic Religious Hierarchy (don't let the bird fool you)
    Oakland Waterborne Murderers/Thieves/Rapists
    Tampa Bay Waterborne Murderers/Thieves/Rapists
    Green Bay Packers of Dead Abused Animal Flesh
    New York Air- and Noise-Polluting Bird-Scaring Jets
    Minnesota Fur- and Horn-Wearing Pillagers
    Buffalo Wild West Show Stars and Cattle Abusers
    Dallas Cattle Murderers and Native American Exploiters
    San Diego Electricity Consumers
    Pittsburgh Coal-Burning Smog-Generating Steelers
    San Francisco Gold Profiteers
    Tennessee Plutocratic Captains of Industry
    Houston Bushes
    New England White Male Gun-Carrying Tree-Chopping Imperialist Dogs

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
    Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
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    Mana: 

    HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD." WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
    MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

    SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.


    THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
    AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
    "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

    "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

    HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

    "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.


    HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT, GRAY, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
     

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    CARDS YOU WON'T FIND AT HALLMARK!
    "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

    "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

    "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

    "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."

    "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: "What the heck was I thinking?"

    "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

    "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

    "As you grow older Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me.  Like the need for therapy..."

    "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!  I never knew what evil was before this!"

    "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

    "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

    "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

    "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

    "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

    "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

    "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

    "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

    "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

    "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."


    "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday---so we're having you put to sleep."

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


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    Naughty, naughty!

    'Michael, if you were on a date--- having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

    Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

    The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

    'What about you Peter, how would you say it?'

    Peter said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

    'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

    'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

    'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine... whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner ......... .'

    The whole class fainted...

    Dragonflygurl
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    Mana: 
    Ketana wrote: Naughty, naughty!

    'Michael, if you were on a date--- having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

    Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

    The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

    'What about you Peter, how would you say it?'

    Peter said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

    'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

    'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

    'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine... whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner ......... .'

    The whole class fainted...

    :rofl:

    Dragonflygurl
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    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
    A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

    The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
    them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
    again and again, until he hops out of sight.


    The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

    NoClockThing
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    CheshireKat
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    I guess it's all a matter of perspective...

    Attachment: Sexy-Thong.jpg (Downloaded 11 times)

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    Tattoos

    This guy had what he thought was a great Tattoo.............



    Until he wound up in Jail.............

    Now he is the most popular guy in the Prision, lol 

     

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    A few fun things to do at the Mall
     
    Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
    Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

    Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.

    Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

    Test mattresses in your pajamas.

    If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

    Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

    At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

    "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

    "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.


    Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    That's really funny Angel. I don't know where you get them from.

    This one really cracked me up,Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Mana: 
     Why did God invent a man first?
    She wanted to start with something simple.

    Dragonflygurl
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    Angel wrote:  Why did God invent a man first?
    She wanted to start with something simple.

    :rofl:

    Dragonflygurl
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    Mana: 
    For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

    One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
    ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she
    would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
     
    If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
    support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would
    know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply
    mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then
    arrange for the child support payments to begin.
     
     
    One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
    "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh,
     just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed
     and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
     
    On the card was written:

    "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

    Three with meatballs, two without. 
     
    "Send extra sauce."

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Mana: 
    An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

    We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too; first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

    The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open".

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


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    Mana: 
    Angel wrote: An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

    We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too; first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

    The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open".

    :laughing1:

    CheshireKat
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

    Seeing this he inquired, "J ust out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

    "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

    "You've gotta be kiddin' me."

    "No, would you like to give it a try?"

    Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car
    keys, then stripped him naked and left.

    Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he
    finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said: "This just ain' t gonna be your day, cupcake..."

    Dragonflygurl
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    CheshireKat wrote: While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

    Seeing this he inquired, "J ust out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

    "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

    "You've gotta be kiddin' me."

    "No, would you like to give it a try?"

    Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car
    keys, then stripped him naked and left.

    Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he
    finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said: "This just ain' t gonna be your day, cupcake..."

    Oh that so wicked :rofl::SpinningDemon:

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Learn Redneck Chinese in 5 minutes


    1) That is not right......................................Sum Ting Wong
    2) Are you harboring a fugitive?....................Hu Yu Hai Ding
    3) See me ASAP........................................Kum Hia Nao
    4) Stupid Man.............................................Dum Fuk
    5) Small Horse............................................Tai Ni Po Ni
    6) Did you go to the beach?.........................Wai Yu So Tan
    7) I bumped into a coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
    8) I think you need a face lift........................Chin Tu Fat
    9) It is very dark in here...............................Wao So Dim
    10) I thought you were on a diet...................Wai Yu Mun Ching
    11) This is a tow away zone........................No Pah King
    12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week..Wai Yu Kum Nao
    13) Staying out of sight...............................Lei Ying Lo
    14) He is cleaning his automobile................Wa Shing Ka
    15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu
    16) Great..................................................Fa Kin Su Pah

    CheshireKat
    Divine Assassin


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    THE WOMENS REMOTE HAS ARRIVED!

    Attachment: womans remote.jpg (Downloaded 12 times)

    CheshireKat
    Divine Assassin


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    Another Chinese toy recall:


    Attachment: chineese toy recall.jpg (Downloaded 13 times)

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


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    Mana: 
    [size=2]A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said,
    "Welcome. Is there anything you didn't have on Earth that I can get for you,
    here in Heaven?".

    The cat thought for a moment and said, "Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard
    floor, could I get a warm soft bed?". St. Peter arranged for it.

    Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question,
    and the mice thought a moment and said, "Yes, we were always running on Earth,
    could we get roller skates here in heaven?" St. Peter of course granted their
    wish.

    About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked
    his bed. The cat said, "I like it alot, but I really enjoy those 'Meals on
    Wheels'". [/size]

    Dragonflygurl
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    Ketana wrote:
    [size=2]A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said,
    "Welcome. Is there anything you didn't have on Earth that I can get for you,
    here in Heaven?".

    The cat thought for a moment and said, "Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard
    floor, could I get a warm soft bed?". St. Peter arranged for it.

    Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question,
    and the mice thought a moment and said, "Yes, we were always running on Earth,
    could we get roller skates here in heaven?" St. Peter of course granted their
    wish.

    About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked
    his bed. The cat said, "I like it alot, but I really enjoy those 'Meals on
    Wheels'". [/size]

    :roflrofla:That's a good one.

     

    Dragonflygurl
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    Last edited on Mon Oct 15th, 2007 06:01 pm by Dragonflygurl

    Dragonflygurl
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    Last edited on Mon Oct 15th, 2007 06:01 pm by Dragonflygurl

    Dragonflygurl
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    Last edited on Mon Oct 15th, 2007 06:04 pm by Dragonflygurl

    Dragonflygurl
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    Last edited on Mon Oct 15th, 2007 06:05 pm by Dragonflygurl

    Angel
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    LOLOL! Those are hysterical, DFG!

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Mana: 

    This is the road to enlightenment
    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact just fuck off and leave me alone.

    2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

    3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you' re going to steal your neighbour' s milk, that' s the time to do it.

    4. Sex is like air. It' s not important unless you aren't getting any.

    5. Don' t be irreplaceable. If you can' t be replaced, you can' t be promoted.

    6. No one is listening until you fart.

    7. Always remember you' re unique. Just like everyone else.

    8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    9. If you think nobody cares whether you' re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

    10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you' re a mile away and you have their shoes.

    11. If at first you don' t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

    14. If you tell the truth, you don' t have to remember anything.

    15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

    16. Don' t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

    17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

    18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

    19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

    21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

    22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.


    23. Experience is something you don' t get until just after you need it.

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


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    Mana: 
    Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
    A. I feel like a kid again!

    Ketana
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Mana: 

    Dear Wife:

    I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.

    I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show

    for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me

    that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

    Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new

    haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of

    silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after

    watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you

    don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either

    you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case,

    I'm gone.

    Your EX-Husband

    P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving

    away to West Virginia together! Have a great

    life!

    Dear Ex-Husband -

    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

    It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a

    good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much

    because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that

    doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the

    first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my

    mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I

    didn't comment, And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have

    gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven

    years ago.

    About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99

    price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that

    my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After

    all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So

    when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought

    us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone.

    Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

    I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

    My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime

    from me. So take care.

    Signed,

    Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

    P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister

    Carla was born Carl.

    I hope that's not a problem.

     

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    "BEFORE and AFTER MARRIAGE"

    Before - You take my breath away.
    After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

    Before - Twice a night.
    After - Twice a month.

    Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
    After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

    Before - Ricky & Lucy.
    After - Fred & Ethel.

    Before - Saturday Night Live.
    After - Monday Night Football.

    Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
    After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

    Before - Don't Stop.
    After - Don't Start.

    Before - The Sound of Music.
    After - The Sound of Silence.

    Before - Is that all you are eating?
    After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

    Before - Wheel of Fortune.
    After - Jeopardy.

    Before - It's like living a dream.
    After - It's a nightmare.

    Before - $60/dozen.
    After - $1.50/stem.

    Before - Turbocharged.
    After - Needs a jump-start.

    Before - We agree on everything!
    After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

    Before - Victoria's Secret.
    After - Fruit of the Loom.

    Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
    After - Ball and chain.

    Before - Idol.
    After - Idle.

    Before - He's lost without me.
    After - Why can't he ask for directions?

    Before - When together, time stands still.
    After - This relationship is going nowhere.

    Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
    After - Bagels and instant coffee.

    Before - Oysters.
    After - Fishsticks.

    Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
    After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

    Before - Romeo and Juliet.
    After - Bill and Hillary..
     

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
    Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
    Posts: 7298
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    Mana: 
    While driving during a horrible snowstorm, a young blonde became disoriented and lost. She remembered what her father had once told her. ”If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.” Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.

    Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ”Well, I’m done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.”

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Posts: 7298
    Status:  Offline
    Mana: 
    A housewife heard a knock at the door,

    and when she answered,

    a man asked her if she had a vagina.

    The woman slammed the door in disbelief at what the stranger had said.

    The following day the same thing happened, so she decided to tell her

    husband. The husband was outraged. 'Tomorrow I won't go to work,' he

    said. 'If the man returns and asks if you have a vagina, say yes,

    and I will be hiding behind the door.

    'The next day the same man came again,

    and when the woman opened the door,

    he asked if she had a vagina.

    The woman replied, 'Yes.'

    'Good,' the man said.

    'Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife!

    Dragonflygurl
    Heretic


    Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    A Mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married, and mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. She made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was going.

    The first daughter sent a card from her honeymoon in Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". At first mom was puzzled, but she went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

    The second girl sent her card from Vermont a week after the wedding. The card said only: "Benson & Hedges". Mom went to the drawer where her husband kept his cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". Again mom was slightly embarrassed, but she was happy for her daughter.

    The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Mom started to get really worried. Then after a month, the card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "British Airways".

    Mom took out her latest Harpers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

    Mom fainted ....

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Posts: 11443
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    Mana: 

    You Know You're In Trouble When...
    ...Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

    ...Your suggestion box starts ticking.

    ...Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

    ...The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

    ...People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

    ...You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

    ...The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.


    ...You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

    CheshireKat
    Divine Assassin


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
    Location: Colorado USA
    Posts: 2920
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    Mana: 
    I forget where I came across this pic a long time ago. I saved it because I thought it was cute:c030a:

    Attachment: sexed.jpg (Downloaded 11 times)

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

    As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions."First, you must wear a diaphragm."

    Cinderella agrees."What's the second condition?"

    "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

    Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

    The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
     
    Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and VERY satisfied.

    "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago."

    "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

    "I know of no prince with that kind of power. Tell me his name"

    "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter...Peter,something or other....

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Mana: 
    Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. Lindsay turns to the Paris and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."
     
    Paris replies, "Okay you're on."
     
    Sure enough, the man jumps, and Paris Hilton gives the Lindsay Lohan $50. Lindsay says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."
     
    "No, you have to take it," says Paris. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 

    DOWNWARD SPIRAL


     


    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 
    There were two ladies who loved to fish and so they went fishing every day. The first lady always caught many more fish then the second lady. At first, the second lady figured that it was just luck.

    Later, she figured that it must be the side of the boat that the other lady sat on. But then she noticed that the first lady was always changing the side she sat on.

    So one day the second lady asked the first lady, "How come you always catch so many fish?"
     
    The first lady said, "That's because this is my lucky side."

    "Your lucky side? How do you know which side is your lucky side?
     
    It changes all of the time," said the second lady.

    "Well, when I get up in the morning I look in my husbands pajama pants, if it's on the right side, then I fish on the right side. If it's on the left side then I fish on the left side," answered the first lady.

    "Well what if it's straight up in the middle?" asked the second lady.
     
    The first lady replied, "Then I stay home!"

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


    Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
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    Mana: 

    Educational LIFE IN THE 1500'S

    The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:
    These are interesting...

    Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

    Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

    Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.

    There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

    The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

    (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

    In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

    Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

    Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

    Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

    Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

    England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer..


    And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

    Angel
    Divine Executioner


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    Mana: