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Angel
Divine Executioner
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Posted: Thu Dec 11th, 2014 10:05 am |
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The FAA Inspection
With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.
Christmas Santa
The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly."
Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! Whats the shotgun for!?" Santa yells.
The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff."
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The dead do not squeeze and please....
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Ketana
Divine Assassin
| Joined: | Wed Oct 25th, 2006 |
| Location: | Lioness' Lair, USA |
| Posts: | 2510 |
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Posted: Thu Dec 11th, 2014 07:56 pm |
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oh crap Santa..
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Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
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Angel
Divine Executioner
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Posted: Fri Dec 12th, 2014 10:05 am |
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Ten worst gifts to buy a woman
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)
Snowman
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).
6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
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The dead do not squeeze and please....
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Angel
Divine Executioner
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Posted: Mon Dec 15th, 2014 10:05 am |
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What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
Christmas Elf
What's an ig?
An eskimo's home without a loo!
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!
How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !
What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !
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The dead do not squeeze and please....
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Angel
Divine Executioner
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Posted: Tue Dec 16th, 2014 10:09 am |
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Dog destroys Christmas decorations..
http://rickysplace.com/jwplayer/121514-07.html
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The dead do not squeeze and please....
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Angel
Divine Executioner
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Posted: Thu Dec 18th, 2014 10:05 am |
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What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !
Christmas Elf
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !
Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !
Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !
Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !
Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !
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The dead do not squeeze and please....
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Angel
Divine Executioner
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Posted: Fri Dec 19th, 2014 10:14 am |
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What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?
Twerky!
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Arthur
Arthur who?
Arthur any mince pies left?
What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
Auld Fang Syne
Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
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The dead do not squeeze and please....
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Angel
Divine Executioner
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Posted: Fri Dec 19th, 2014 11:02 am |
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Doug the pug...All I want for Christmas is food.
http://rickysplace.com/jwplayer/121714-06.html
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The dead do not squeeze and please....
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Angel
Divine Executioner
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Posted: Mon Dec 22nd, 2014 12:04 pm |
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Without a Christmas bonus
Ten signs you're not getting a christmas bonus
10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
Christmas Santa
7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times
1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets
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The dead do not squeeze and please....
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Angel
Divine Executioner
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Posted: Tue Dec 23rd, 2014 11:02 am |
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Kitty hates Christmas...
http://rickysplace.com/jwplayer/122214-04.html
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The dead do not squeeze and please....
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Angel
Divine Executioner
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Posted: Thu Dec 25th, 2014 12:04 pm |
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MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL THE LEXXVERSIANS!
:xmassliegh::xmastree5:
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The dead do not squeeze and please....
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The Fractal Core > HAVE A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS 2014!
