| Posted: Wed Mar 23rd, 2011 02:05 am||
|This was a fic I wrote back aways when "Trading Spaces" was a hot show on the HGTV channel...or Discovery or whatever. Some of the show's characters are no longer on there, but have new shows, etc. Let me know what you think.
All characters on Lexx are the property of Alliance Artists/Paul Donovan, etc, etc, not making any money off them, don’t sue me, I’m broke..etc.
A light buzzing noise permeated Stan's fitful slumber..he struggled to open his eyes and peered at a flickering light overhead...a small conduit wire had come loose from the organic wall of his room.....it sputtered insolently at him..."ffzzzzzzzzzzppp"
"Shit, not another short, that's the 3'rd one this week..."
Stan moaned, still grumpy from his nap...he hadn't been able to manage his usual 10 hours of sleep lately, more and more systems on the ship had been falling apart..
"I'm totally worthless until I get my beauty sleep"...he mumbled to no one in particular..
Xev poked her head thru the oval door of his room.."What's the matter now, Stan, another problem? You've been bitching all week..."
Sitting up, he punched down the pillow on his Mothbed..
"Every day, it's a new hassle, this damn ship is so old, all the systems have started to screw up, and I'm NO techie!"
Xev scanned the room, and noticed several sections of the fleshy protruberances of the interior had begun to decay and slough off the walls..
"Ew, this looks nasty" , she cringed, fingering a particularly ugly piece of the Lexx's lighting panel...
Stan wiped his forehead...
"Didn't you notice how humid and warm it's gotten in here lately? And frankly, well...." Stan screwed up his nose..
"The ship stinks"...
A whirring sound from down the corridor grew in intensity until a small motorized cart with 790 appeared thru the archway..
"I hate to break up this pathetic exchange of what would be considered conversation, but the Meat Sack has an incoming call from Earth"...
"For me?? Anything to break up the monotony around here.."
Stan strolled past 790's cart and promptly kicked the chuckling head into the wall... Wailing as he shot towards the disgusting target,
"WORTHLESS PILE OF SOAP BONES! I'LL MAKE SURE THE TOILETS USE SANDPAPER ON THEIR TONGUES !!"
Xev chuckled..and charitably picked the head up and placed it on his little cart...
"There you go, now try to stay out of trouble, we have to figure out a way to repair all these little annoyances.."
Xev strutted down the corridor towards the bridge...leaving 790 to stuggle after her with his buzzing cart.."Please wake up the Dead Man, I need my frosty assassin snack!! He's my one and only Deadsickle !! "
"Stanley H. Tweedle?" The cheerful woman on the Lexx's bridge screen glowed at him..."My name is Paige Davis, and we read your story and it seemed SO outrageous we decided it was the perfect opportunity to raise our ratings and do an episode with some really super-creative ideas..after all, we've never had a show done in 'space' before..." she chuckled...
"So this time next week, our carpenter Tai and our 2 designers and myself will meet you at your um..designated coordinates to welcome you to an episode of TRADING SPACES !!!!"
Stan was overjoyed.."That's fantastic !! I mean, you have NO idea how bad the ship's interior is right now, I mean, our FOOD TUBE has just gotten totally disgusting, and the shower appendage nozzle has started to dribble...and..''
"Um...GREAT, uh..Stan, we'll see you a week from today, and you understand that it's for 4 people, and in teams of 2 each, you redecorate each other's spaces, right???"
"OH..sure, sure...we'll be waiting for you, right Xev???"
Xev's startled look was ignored by both Stan and Paige..
The screen blinked off, and Stan started dancing around the bridge ...
"FINALLY !! I've conned..um..convinced someone to come up here and help us fix this run-down dragonfly for free, and maybe..."...Stan leered at Xev.."I might get lucky in the bargain, you should see one of the decorators....hehehehe"..
Paige had her cameraman shut off his headset..."Geez, these clowns get weirder each episode..this guy thinks his house is a spaceship, I betcha a hundred bucks, he's a Trekkie. God knows what we'll find when we get there..."
She and the cameraman just shook their heads....
790 immediately went into hysterics.."NO NO NO...NO ONE COMES ON BOARD THE LEXX..NO MORE SLUTS ON MY SHIP TO CHASE MY BELOVED HUNK OF ICEBERG !!!"
Xev waved her hand in Stan’s direction…”What was that all about???, You didn’t say anything about a decorating crew coming up here, I would have liked to be in on it…after all…” she blew on her nails and smiled..”I’m quite a decorator myself..”…Stan rolled his eyes….”Yeah, I’m sure your box was the prettiest one on B3K….”
Kai awoke to the hissing sounds of the cryopod lid, and clouds of cold vapor rolling thru the cryochamber…
“Do you have need of me?”…his dark eyes glared at Stan…
790 piped up..”Kai !! Please throw them off the bridge, they’ve awakened you without my permission !!”
Kai’s eyes could immediately sense a change in mood with Stanley.. who was tap-dancing his way thru the chamber…
"Have we landed somewhere?”…
“Um..not really, we’re still orbiting Earth, but I managed to get us some help in repairing the Lexx’s operating systems and damaged interior..aren’t you happy?”
Kai squinted tightly at Stanley…”The Dead are not…..happy…the Dead are merely content…”
Stan nodded, pleased with at least that much of an admission…
Paige Davis sat in the Truck, tapping her nails on the dashboard…the ‘coordinates’ she’d been given by this flake Stanley Tweedle, were right on the money, but there was no house here…
“Shit, if this guy is some ringer Bob Vila sent us, I’m going over and kill that old geezer…he can’t screw with us !!”
Tai, her carpenter, nodded as he stuffed Twinkies into his mouth, gearing up his blood sugar level to “Intense” for purposes of impressing the cameraman…
Just then a loud humming noise emanating from overhead caught Paige and Tai’s attention..
Paige looked out the window, shielding her eyes…
An immense bug-like craft was hovering close by them, looking for a place to land…finally it settled on a few acres of meadowland…
Just then, the two designers showed up , Doug and Genny, each a good decorator in their own rights, and eager for the challenge of doing something drastic to the interiors, having seen the pictures sent to them by Stan…
Now Doug was the proverbial snob, eager to show off his talents, and quite happy to let his couple do most of the work as he sat and complained about the price of opera ticktets..
Gennie (Genevieve) was a lovely blonde designer who’s imagination was matched only by her fiery temper…Stan was bound to have his hands full..
Stan and Xev jogged over to meet them, Kai slowly made his way thru the shrubbery in their wake…
“Wow, is that your ship??? This WILL be a challenge !! “ Paige clapped her hands and jostled her way between Xev and Stan…”And WHO might you be???”.. She offered her hand to Kai..who stared at her as if her head was on fire…
“I’m Kai…last of the Brunnen G….I was from a..”
“Ok, that’s terrific, but we only have a few minutes for the promo for next Friday night, how about if we get right down to business, it seems as if we’re missing one person for the show, where’s your 4th person??”
790 called out from behind her, causing Paige to jump into the arms of her carpenter…
“I’m 790 and you BETTER KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY MAN !!”
Stan pointed at 790…”That’s our 4th guy….Kai and 790 versus me and Xev…”Stan winked at Gennie, who was visibly winking at Kai….
Kai peered nonchalantly at the group, then turned and strode back to the Lexx, with 790 in hot pursuit…..
Stepping into the Lexx’s cryochamber, Paige’s face was white..”What in the hell is this place?, What would you use this for??”…Kai leaned over and whispered quietly…”It’s my cryochamber, it’s where I sleep..”
Paige winked at Gennie…”Ah….we have a Goth guy trying to make some changes in his habitation!! Good for you, after all, even tho your outfit is flattering, a nice tan and a Polo shirt would do you wonders..” she winked at Kai again, who stood and stared straight thru her…
Gennie grabbed Stans arm, “I guess this is our project there honey, we have to get busy..”…Stan fairly drooled and followed behind her as Xev rolled her eyes at his behaviour..
Paige took Kai and 790 to Stan’s chamber, and noticed right away the rancid smell of decaying garbage…
“What the hell is that?? Are we next to the dumpster?” Doug smirked..”Another class group of people, Paige, kind of like those Appalachians you wanted to do last month where they wanted their whiskey still redecorated..”
Paige just glared at Doug and flounced off to go get her carpenter set up in the bridge…
Doug was measuring the walls of the chamber..”I think I can make this place presentable, but it will take some hard work…I think a nice leather wall here with some tiger stripes on those arches.. would look fantastic..”
Kai looked over at the pompous decorator…”If you wish..I have no preference either way..”
Doug wiggled his eyebrows..”Oh…really??? Hmmm..that presents some interesting topics of conversations..”
Gennie handed Stanley a large paintbrush….and shoved him in the direction of the crypod chamber wall..”We have to put up something much more cheerful..I picked out this lovely lavender color to spruce up the interior, and then….”
She revealed the darker purple paint can..”This is for the cryopods, guaranteed to wake you up in a good mood…oh, and I shouldn’t forget the herbal scented dried flower decorations we have in mind…
Stan, of course, having other things on his mind..pinched Gennie’s butt as she leaned over and opened the paint can..
“Ouch!! Hey!! What’s the idea, no groping !!”
Stan just winked, convinced she really wanted the attention…”Oh, nothing, I’m just a very friendly guy, you know, I like to party and hang out, kind of laid back…”
Xev got fed up and smacked Stan on the back of the head with the brush extender..
“Oh, I’m sorry Stan, did I hit you? I was trying SO hard to reach this ceiling!”..
Gennie smirked..and returned to work, laying out the plans for the room….
Doug scampered around the room marking off his paint sections and spray sealing the decaying walls..
“Damn, this place needs a fumigation, what the hell died in here.??”..
Kai looked back and drily commented…”Me…”…
Doug’s eyes registered a slight frown, but he kept on working, after all, he was a professional…..
790 fumed in the corner…finally he erupted in shouting…
“How long are you insects going to be contaminating my Beloved’s presence ??!! I want you to all vacate immediately !!”
Doug eyed the robot head with disdain..
“Um, can you keep that tin can quiet, and is he going to be helping at all , or just be an annoyance? I can’t work under these conditions..”
Kai glared at the lovesick robot..”Be quiet and help, 790, locate all the power outlets for the designer”…
790 sniffed, having been duly chastised…
“I just want to be alone with you, my Delish Dead Dish…”
Doug chuckled to himself and went back to work..
Stan proceeded to follow Gennie around like a lovesick puppy, anything she asked, he’d do, including painting a little flowery mural on the cryopod control desk..
Xev frowned..”I don’t know if Kai would really like purple and flowers in his room, I mean, he was a Divine Assassin for over 6000 years and he has a reputation to uphold..”
Gennie giggled..”Well, Divine he certainly is, and I’m sure he’d like to have a nice bachelor pad to entertain his um….lady friends…”…
Looking around at the newly fragrant and lively décor, Xev sat down, wiping paint from her arm…”He doesn’t have…..lady friends…”
Gennie whipped her head around…”You mean…He’s GAY??? DAMMIT, I can never tell, and what a waste!!! “ Gennie pouted, which caused Stan to go into hyperlibido overdrive..
He sat down next to her..”Well little lady, I certainly can fill any request you might have in that department…he heh.. after all, I’m ALL man.!!”
She winced and brushed off his clammy hands..
“Not even if it meant I got my own trailer at the studio..besides, if he’s gay, then I’m sure he and Doug are getting along JUST fine….” Chuckling to herself..
Back in Stans’ room, Doug was leaning in close to Kai as he made the final measurement for the new lighting panel..
“Hmmmm …so do you go cruising at all??”..
Kai’s face registered no recognition of what Doug had asked..
“Cruise? I have no recollection of ever cruising..”
“Well, do you hang out at the Ramrod? You look like a leather boy, maybe a rough trade customer??”
Doug fairly licked his lips as Kai stared straight ahead, holding up the ladder….
“Those names are not familiar”…
“So….then I guess you must go to Fire Island, of course, how could I mistake you for one of those common trollops that hang out in those dumps..”
“I do not know Fire Island, is it far from here?”
“Oh..just over the river, I’m sure after we’re done with our little extravaganza here, I’d be happy to show it to you…”
Doug’s face was glowing with anticipation..
“I’m afraid we will be leaving soon, we must return to orbit…”
790 at this point would most likely have been screaming for Doug’s immolation but he’d been locked snugly away in the carpentry closet..
“Well, then…..how about a little romp before Paige gets back from her ‘conference’ with her carpenter boyfriend?”
Doug pinched Kai’s firm ass cheek and blew warm air into his ear….
The next thing Doug would hear would be the screeing of Kai’s brace…
Gennie put the final touches on her redesigned cryochamber…
It sported lovely lavender paint on all the walls, and some adorable kitten pictures up in place of the usual organic protruberances..
There were murals of daffodils and bluebonnets, all tied into the center of the room , the cryopod itself, it had been repainted with stained glass paint to resemble a dragonfly on a lovely sunflower…Dried flower arrangements with Eucalyptus had been placed all around to lend a pleasing aroma…and the floor had nice comfy sisal mats on them…
Stan looked back as they finished up…
“Wow, it looks totally different, and all the power supply stuff has been fixed…”
Gennie brushed off her hands and put her blonde locks back in place…
“I think it’s the best work I’ve ever done..”
Stan reacted and grabbed her soundly, planting a sloppy wet kiss on her plump lips..
‘EWWWWWWW”…she wiped her mouth as Xev laughed in hysterics…
At this point, Gennie knew she had her hands full, especially since Stan was obviously not taking ‘NO’ for an answer..
She grabbed her nail gun… and pushed Stan up against the wall..
‘KAPOW KAPOW KAPOW !!!’
Paige finally returned to the cryochamber to do the ‘reveal’ part of the show…where they do the ‘AFTER’ shot of the room..
When she entered the cryochamber, she was stunned to see Stanley struggling, while nailed to the wall…his protestations of innocence being completely ignored by Gennie and Xev…
“I can’t leave you alone for ONE minute and you’ve gone and nailed someone to the wall, you’re FIRED !!”
Gennie kicked the bucket of leftover paint at Paige and huffed off back to the truck below…
“I’m SO sorry, Xev, she went way beyond the boundaries of her job…PLEASE don’t sue us !!”
“I wouldn’t dream of it I’ve been waiting for someone to do that for ages…hehe”
“Well let’s go check on Doug and his group”
When they entered Stan’s room, they were greeted with 790 bitching at Kai for being locked up, even tho the room was decorated to resemble a Sultan’s palace, Doug was no where to be seen…
Kai stood in the middle of the room, silently observing the entering guests..
“Um..Kai, where’s’ Doug, what happened to him? Did he run off with another one of his boyfriends before the room was finished??”
Kai pointed to a cabinet built into the wall,
“He’s been relocated to a more suitable area “..
Paige walked over and opened the cabinet door, and saw Doug’s head staring out at them, his eyes wide open in total surprise, a comical look on his face..
“HE PUT HIS HANDS ON MY MAN, THAT THAT….PONCY SWISH MEISTER!!! HE HAD IT COMING!!”
Kai merely stared ahead as Paige gasped..
Xev shook her head, she’d seen this too many times..
Paige frowned and put her hands on her hips,..
“Shit, now where am I going to get another decorator for next weeks’ show?”
Xev raised her hand…”Um..I actually liked painting the room, do you have a job for me?”
Paige looked her up and down..
“You know, you have a good screen presence..and the Goth guy too, how would you like to work for us? You could be decorators..”..
She turned and looked at Kai..
“And you could finally come out of the closet, cutie..”
Kai raised his eyebrow ever so lightly..
“The Dead do not come out of the closet..”
Paige waved her cameraman over to what was left of the group…
“Well this is Paige Davis and this has been another episode of Trading Spaces, I hope to see you all again next week..!!
Um..say, do either of you have an agent???””
"Blah blah blah, Vampire Emergency, Blah..."
| Posted: Wed Mar 23rd, 2011 09:10 am||
|I had tears in my eyes from laughing. I watched the British version of TS, Cash in the Attic etc. I'd love to put this one in the eZine!
| Posted: Wed Mar 23rd, 2011 08:53 pm||
|Feel free to add it to the Lexx fic list...
"Blah blah blah, Vampire Emergency, Blah..."
| Posted: Wed Mar 23rd, 2011 10:06 pm||
|Thank you. I'll Put it in Saturday's issue
| Posted: Wed Mar 23rd, 2011 11:02 pm||
I especially like how Kai remodeled Doug.
| Posted: Fri Mar 25th, 2011 11:08 pm||
"Blah blah blah, Vampire Emergency, Blah..."
| Posted: Sat Mar 26th, 2011 07:02 am||
|I haven't read this in a long time, it's hysterical! Looks like Doug got what was coming to him, you don't blow in the dead man's ear, hehehehehhe..
The dead do not squeeze and please....
| Posted: Sat Mar 26th, 2011 11:57 am||
|Thank you again for allowing me to post it in the eZine.
| Posted: Sat Mar 26th, 2011 04:51 pm||
|Ha! That was fun, Maya!
"I do not think... the way you think I think." ~Kai
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