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Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
 Posted: Wed Oct 8th, 2008 12:08 pm

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gummy bears

Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Wed Oct 8th, 2008 01:46 pm

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The Importance of Walking




Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning ,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Angel
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Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Oct 9th, 2008 10:38 am

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Rednecks.....proof that evolution can go in reverse.



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CheshireKat
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 Posted: Wed Oct 15th, 2008 04:38 pm

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Take your teech out, put them in backwards and BITE YOURSELF!



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Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Oct 16th, 2008 03:38 pm

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My grave stone will read, "I told you I was ill!"

Angel
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Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Oct 21st, 2008 11:07 am

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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.



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CheshireKat
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 Posted: Sun Oct 26th, 2008 08:23 pm

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Every time his brain farts, his mouth goes off.
:an38:



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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Sun Oct 26th, 2008 09:34 pm

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Remember Spit don't rinse, after brushing your teeth.

Angel
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Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Oct 28th, 2008 10:44 am

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A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.



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Ketana
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 Posted: Tue Oct 28th, 2008 02:29 pm

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Angel wrote: A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
:2567::FISHEYE:damn that was funny..e-bil but funny!



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Ketana
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 Posted: Wed Oct 29th, 2008 05:13 pm

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you want thoughts..here's a bunch of 'em for you to study and apply to ya life!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.
3. it’s always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
15. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it
holds the universe together.
20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
24. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our butt ... then
things get worse.



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Angel
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Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Nov 6th, 2008 10:27 am

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The metric system never really caught on here in the States—unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9mm bullet.



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Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Nov 6th, 2008 05:49 pm

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To all of you who are expecting - and a few others. Too late for some of us

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1
Women: To prepare for pregnancy, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home.
Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.
Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2.. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
3. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.

Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door wagon..
And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment and leave it there.
2. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
3. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6
Getting ready to go out:
1. Wait
2. Go out the front door
3. Come back in again
4. Go out
5. Come back in again
6. Go out again
7. Walk down the front path
8. Walk back up it
9. Walk down it again
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8
Go to the local supermarket.
Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child.
A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10
Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls.
4. Cover the stains with crayon.
5. How does that look?

Test 12
Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly.
Important: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required.
Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice.
Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14
Put on your finest work attire.
Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:
1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
2. Stir
3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
5.. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
6. Do not change, you have no time.
7. Go directly to work
You are now ready to have children, ENJOY!!

Angel
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Mana: 
 Posted: Mon Nov 10th, 2008 10:35 am

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Home is where you can say anything you like because nobody listens to you anyway.



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Ketana
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Mana: 
 Posted: Mon Nov 10th, 2008 06:03 pm

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go ahead and live a long life because death is longer.



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