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NoClockThing
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 Posted: Thu Apr 5th, 2007 07:31 am

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WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt



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CatCharm
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 Posted: Tue Apr 10th, 2007 08:39 am

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How  much do you know?

    
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
    stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights
    go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."


    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
    said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

    "Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear
     power?"

     "OK" she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
      me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the
     same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
     and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that
     is?" 
 
   The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

   She said "Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you
   don't know shit?"



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Angel
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 Posted: Tue Apr 10th, 2007 11:02 am

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LMAO, CAT, loved that one!



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Angel
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 Posted: Tue Apr 10th, 2007 11:12 am

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."


"I know," she said, "I'm his grandma, but I'm glad I came."



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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Tue Apr 10th, 2007 04:23 pm

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CatCharm wrote: How  much do you know?

    
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
    stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights
    go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."


    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
    said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

    "Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear
     power?"

     "OK" she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
      me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the
     same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
     and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that
     is?" 
 
   The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

   She said "Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you
   don't know shit?"

:roflrofla:

Ketana
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 Posted: Tue Apr 10th, 2007 08:45 pm

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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Tue Apr 10th, 2007 10:04 pm

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Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Angel
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 Posted: Wed Apr 11th, 2007 11:14 am

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Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are.
The first mother says, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"

The second mother says, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"

The third woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'"

The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her a subtle, "Well?"


She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. When he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!'"



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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Wed Apr 11th, 2007 05:55 pm

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Man bashing again.........

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

CatCharm
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 Posted: Mon Apr 16th, 2007 01:26 am

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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little  KENNY .



He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little
 KENNY  says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream
.   The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little
 KENNY  replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."



LITTLE
 KENNY  ON MATH < U>(Part 2)[size=]




Little
 KENNY  returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

" The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies
 KENNY .

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f..... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"




LITTLE
 KENNY  ON ENGLISH



Little
 KENNY  goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Doe s anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

KENNY  says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little
 KENNY , that's a mouthful."

Little
 KENNY  says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job."



LITTLE
 KENNY  ON GRAMMAR



Little
 KENNY  was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now,
 KENNY , that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little
 KENNY , thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if   you had bigger boobs , you'd be a TEN!"



LITTLE
 KENNY  ON GRAMMAR < B>(Part 2)



One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little
 KENNY .

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"




LITTLE
 KENNY  ON GETTING OLDER




Little
 KENNY  was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little
 KENNY  replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did y our grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little
 KENNY  answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.



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Angel
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 Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2007 11:18 am

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Q: What is the definition of the perfect wife?

A: A rich, mute, nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.
-------------------------------------------
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.



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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2007 04:29 pm

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Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2007 10:39 pm

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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Fri Apr 20th, 2007 01:15 am

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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Fri Apr 20th, 2007 01:15 am

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