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To Laugh Or Not To Laugh, That Is The Joke!
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Angel
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 Posted: Thu Mar 15th, 2007 11:32 am

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Two guys were walking through the woods and spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first guy opened his backpack, took out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second guy looked at him and said, "You're crazy--you'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first guy replied. "I only have to outrun you."



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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Fri Mar 16th, 2007 07:22 pm

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If women ruled the world!


Angel
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 Posted: Mon Mar 19th, 2007 11:06 am

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A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray.
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Brandi again prays. "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.

Once again, she prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God:


"Brandi, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."



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Angel
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 Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 11:19 am

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A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glances across the room and notices a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she has a very large nose. He's very self-conscious about his eye, but gets up the nerve to ask her for a dance.
"Would you like to dance with me?" he asks.

She replies, "Would I!"


He sneers and snipes, "Big nose!"



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CatCharm
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 Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 09:21 am

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   *_EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY_*
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

6:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 

*_EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY_*

 

Day 983 of my captivity.

 

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling

objects.   They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

 

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

 

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was

placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

 

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

 

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and

seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

 

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

 

For now...

 



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Angel
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 Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 11:33 am

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This man had been having a few beers down at the neighborhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself.
To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and and took off running. The man could see the naked outline of the gal's bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.

Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, "What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park."

The man said, "But officer this is my wife."

The officer said, "Oh, I didn't know she was your wife."


The man said, "Neither did I until you shined your light on her."



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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Fri Mar 23rd, 2007 05:36 pm

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WHY....................

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?  Did you ever stop and wonder......

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . . . .

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?



Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Fri Mar 23rd, 2007 11:41 pm

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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Fri Mar 23rd, 2007 11:47 pm

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Angel
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 Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 10:54 am

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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He knows the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat."

And the owner says, "Sold."

He hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the 20 bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."


And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold 68 cats."



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Angel
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Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Mar 29th, 2007 11:39 am

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A woman comes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist, "Can you tell me about Viagra?"
 
The druggist says, "What would you like to know?"
 
"What does it do?" she asks.
 
"Well, when I take it, it enhances my libido and prolongs my erection."
 
The woman says, "Can you get it over the counter?"
 
"Yes," says the druggist, "but I'll have to take another pill."



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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 10:42 pm

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NoClockThing
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 Posted: Wed Apr 4th, 2007 08:39 am

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Hospital Chart Bloopers


These are actual writings from various hospital charts.


1. The patient refused an autopsy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12. She is numb from her toes down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
14. The skin was moist and dry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.



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The truly committed learned to drool after death.
Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Wed Apr 4th, 2007 01:38 pm

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Finally, a definition of globalization

I can understand and to which

I can relate







Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?





Answer: Princess

Diana's death.





Question: How come?





Answer:

An English princess with

an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French

tunnel, driving a

German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.



This is sent to you by

a Canadian,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese

chips, and a

Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian

lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....





That, my friends, is Globalization!

Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Wed Apr 4th, 2007 01:44 pm

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Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at l east someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.


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