You have arrived in the LEXXVERSE where the spirit of Lexx lives on. Home


To Laugh Or Not To Laugh, That Is The Joke!
 Moderated by: Ketana, CheshireKat, aeonflux  

New Topic

Reply

Print
AuthorPost
Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7297
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Feb 13th, 2007 10:56 pm

Quote

Reply
Picture says it all



 

Last edited on Fri Feb 23rd, 2007 03:25 am by Dragonflygurl

Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Feb 23rd, 2007 05:24 pm

Quote

Reply

-----
Why God made Moms - BRILLIANT

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!



Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.



How did God make mothers?l

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring

3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.



What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.



Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?

1. We're related

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.



What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.



What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?



Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.



Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.



What's the difference between moms & dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.



What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.



What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.



If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.




____________________

Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
Bilbo67
Heretic


Joined: Fri Oct 27th, 2006
Location: The Daisy Hill Cluster Lizard Farm
Posts: 474
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sat Feb 24th, 2007 04:38 am

Quote

Reply
How does one give more than 100%?

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H A R D W O R K = 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E = 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

A T T I T U D E = 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

However:

B U L L S H I T = 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.

But, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A S S K I S S I N G = 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

So the next time your overbearing boss asks you to give more than 100%, you know what is required of you



____________________
If you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.
— Christopher Titus
Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7297
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sat Feb 24th, 2007 05:05 am

Quote

Reply
Bilbo67 wrote: How does one give more than 100%?

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H A R D W O R K = 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E = 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

A T T I T U D E = 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

However:

B U L L S H I T = 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.

But, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A S S K I S S I N G = 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

So the next time your overbearing boss asks you to give more than 100%, you know what is required of you

LOL, that's funny.


 

Bilbo67
Heretic


Joined: Fri Oct 27th, 2006
Location: The Daisy Hill Cluster Lizard Farm
Posts: 474
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Feb 27th, 2007 04:32 am

Quote

Reply
If the following doesn't make you laugh at least once, then you are without a soul, and should actively seek out the nearest priest, rabbi, or shaman ASAP:


Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays 
 
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 
 
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like socks in a dryer without Cling Free. 
 
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it, and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 
 
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 
 
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up 
 
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 
 
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. 
 
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. 
 
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 
 
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 
 
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 
 
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 
 
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 
 
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35mph. 
 
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 
 
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 
 
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river. 
 
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 
 
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. 
 
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 
 
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 
 
23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 
 
24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 
 
25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 
 
26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. 
 
27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. 
 
28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. 
 
29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. 
 
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.



____________________
If you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.
— Christopher Titus
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11418
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Feb 27th, 2007 12:22 pm

Quote

Reply
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.

         *****

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.

         ****
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2.) Nope, no more booze for me.

3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.

5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.


6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11418
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Wed Feb 28th, 2007 12:19 pm

Quote

Reply
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I  said, "What's wrong, honey?"


She replied, "What happened to my  booger?"



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7297
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Mar 2nd, 2007 07:27 pm

Quote

Reply

Bilbo67
Heretic


Joined: Fri Oct 27th, 2006
Location: The Daisy Hill Cluster Lizard Farm
Posts: 474
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sat Mar 3rd, 2007 03:27 am

Quote

Reply
THINGS YOUR HISTORY TEACHER NEVER TAUGHT YOU:

THE TOP TEN MOST APPROPRIATE USES OF THE WORD "FUCK"


"What the fuck was that?"
          -Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945


"Where did all these fucking indians come from?"
          -Gen. George Custer, 1876


"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
          -Albert Einstein, 1938


"It does so fucking look like her!"
          -Pablo Picasso, 1926


"How the fuck did you work that out?"
          -Pythagoras, 126 B.C.


"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling!?!?"
          -Michelangelo, 1566


"I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain."
          -Joan of Arc, 1434


"Scattered fucking showers...my ass!"
          -Noah, circa Genesis chapter 7


"It's a good thing these tickets were free, this fucking play sucks."
          -Abraham Lincoln, 1865


"Fuck it all, I missed!"
          -Dick Cheney, 2006



____________________
If you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.
— Christopher Titus
Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sat Mar 3rd, 2007 05:46 pm

Quote

Reply
buwahahahahahahaha...damn those were fucking good one's Bilbo!

and angel the booger! I fucking rolled..I could just see my twin nephews doing that! gadsss gotta love those nasty little rug rats!



____________________

Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sat Mar 3rd, 2007 05:47 pm

Quote

Reply
Angel wrote: THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.

         *****

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.

         ****
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2.) Nope, no more booze for me.

3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.

5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.


6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

wahahahahahaha gotta add the word..DIGITAL to the list..:bounce_pinka:



____________________

Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7297
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 01:03 pm

Quote

Reply
Shopping at Tesco's - MAN STYLE
  
  Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
  boyfriend along shopping
  
  This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
   Oxford :
  
  Dear Mrs. Murray,
  
  While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
  Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and
  your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
  Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
  surveillance cameras:
  
  1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
  trolleys when they weren't looking.
  
  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
  intervals.
  
  3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
  products aisle.
  
  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
  "Code 3" in housewares..... And watched what happened.
  
  5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
  
  6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
  told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
  Calor gas stove.
  
  7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
  began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
  
  8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
  mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
  
  9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
  Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
  were.
  
  10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
  "Mission Impossible" theme.
  
  11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna look"
  using different size funnels.
  
  12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
  "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
  
  13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
  assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
  again."
  
  And; last, but not least:
  
  14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
  while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
  
  Yours sincerely,
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Charles Brown

 
 
 
 

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11418
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Mar 8th, 2007 12:19 pm

Quote

Reply
Little Johnny and his mother returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. Little Johnny opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
 
"What are you doing?" his mother asked. "
 
The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," Johnny explained, "I'm looking for the seal."



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11418
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Mon Mar 12th, 2007 12:22 pm

Quote

Reply
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


There are teachers.... And then there are educators.



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11418
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 12:22 pm

Quote

Reply
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at two o'clock in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you--aren't you a policeman?
Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.


"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....

 Current time is 03:33 pm
Page:  First Page Previous Page  ...  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12  ...  Next Page Last Page  


Quick Reply
Enter your quick reply:



Black_metal theme exclusively by: WowBB Theme Mall
Powered by WowBB 1.7 - Copyright © 2003-2006 Aycan Gulez
SciFi Updates