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To Laugh Or Not To Laugh, That Is The Joke!
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Angel
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Mana: 
 Posted: Wed Jan 10th, 2007 07:22 am

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So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears

10. Gas costs $2.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
 



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Angel
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Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Jan 11th, 2007 07:02 am

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Job Definitions
Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker - A fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Statistician - someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".

Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Professor - someone who talks in someone else's sleep.

Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.


Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.



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The dead do not squeeze and please....
Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Thu Jan 18th, 2007 06:10 am

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I LOVE this philosophy! This is NOT a dress rehearsal!
Living Life Backwards

I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and
then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Jan 19th, 2007 05:39 am

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I don't know why but I thought of Ketana when I saw below piccy.


Last edited on Fri Jan 19th, 2007 05:39 am by Dragonflygurl

Bilbo67
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 Posted: Fri Jan 19th, 2007 06:40 pm

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Why it's great to be a guy:


Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

Monday Night Football.

You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

You can open all your own jars.

Old friends don't give a damn wether you've lost or gained weight.

Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

When channel surfing, you don't feel compelled to stop at every shot of someone crying.

Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.

All your orgasms are real.

A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.

Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).

You don't have to lug a bag of stuff around everywhere you go.

Your last name stays put.

You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

When your work is criticized, you don't have to worry that everyone secretly hates you.

You can kill your own food.

The garage is all yours.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

You can write your name in the snow.

You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president (in this lifetime...)

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park.

Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

Foreplay is optional.

Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.

Hot wax never comes anywhere near your pubic area.

One mood, all the time

You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

Same work...more pay!

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.

With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries...at least in theory.

You don't mooch off others' desserts.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

The remote control is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

Bachelor parties kick bridal showers' asses.

You have a normal, healthy relationship with your mother.

You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.

Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it."

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

You think the idea of punting a small cat is funny.

If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"

There's always a game on somewhere.



Why it sucks to be a guy
:


You have to take out the garbage.

The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

No sofas in your restrooms.

External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.

James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.

Ribbed for her pleasure...not yours.

You have to wear ties.

You can't flirt your way out of a jam.

"Women and children first."



____________________
If you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.
— Christopher Titus
Ketana
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Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Jan 19th, 2007 06:43 pm

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Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Johnny followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself, he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane . . . ."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny this is such an interesting story suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight".

At the dinner table Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army".



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Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
Ketana
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Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Jan 19th, 2007 06:48 pm

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Four guys were having a contest. The challenge was who could make a girl scream the loudest when they f*ck her.

The first man to try was a white guy. The other guys only heard a moan from the room he was in. He said, "try to beat that! I'm so good!"

The next guy tries. This Mexican got her to squeal. Doing better than the white guy he said, "No one can beat that! Mexicans are the best at having sex!"

A black guy tried next. You could hear the girl enjoyed it. The black guy just smiled, thinking he was the best.

The last guy to try was Chinese. All the guys laughed as he entered the girl's room. but the Laughing soon stopped when they heard the girl screaming as loud as she could.

The Chinese man walked out very proud. The other guys impressed asked how he did it. He told them, "Ancient Chinese secret. I put Hot Sauce on my dick"


 

*Yeah I know it's bad but you loved it!*



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Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Jan 19th, 2007 09:03 pm

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A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes  into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her
and  says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know 
you'll forgive me."  She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow,
 I'm in room 221."

Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
 Posted: Sat Jan 20th, 2007 09:04 pm

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NEW EXPRESSIONS




W e all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.


Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_ x _) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned!  Laugh your ass off (_ :-)




 

Angel
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Mana: 
 Posted: Mon Jan 22nd, 2007 07:27 am

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In a recent Harris Online poll, 38,562 men across the U.S. were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
 
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.



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The dead do not squeeze and please....
Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
 Posted: Mon Jan 22nd, 2007 04:13 pm

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:laughing1::roflrofla:

Bilbo67
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Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 11:36 pm

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Helpful travel hints:

How to respond when native islanders greet you as a god



1) Cultivate an air of mystery (less is more).

2) Appoint an "inner circle" to handle liason (aka "divine outreach") with the village.

3) Move into the nicest hut and set up shop.

4) Announce petition/office hours

5) Place a basket outside your hut and seed it with "starter offerings" (dollars, gold, jewels...the basics).

6) Declare null and void any village taboos about members of the opposite sex being left alone with a visiting deity. 

7) When hearing petitions, do not make any rash promises that could come back to bite you in the ass.  If pressed, for example, to end a drought or cure a disease, be vague.  Speak of "reparations" that must be made "for transgressions past."

8) If a villager expresses resentment about the growing pile of tokens in your offering basket, angrily offer to return them all, declaring that if even one offering is given "with a resentful heart," then all the villagers' requests will be denied.  Do not attempt to intercede when the rest of teh villagers turn on the complainer with clubs.  As his remains are being dragged off, comment: "Those who scoff at the volcano soon find themselves up to their ears in lava," or something to that effect.

9) Speak oracularly.  Sample utterance: "It takes a tough horse to make a tender mango."

10) Remember--even a god needs an exit strategy.  Tell the natives you will take their petitions back to the "council of the gods on the mighty mountaintop."  Mention in passing that the council of gods is really busy these days and overwhelmed with petitions and that it's only looking for petitioners who are serious.

11) Throw yourself an elaborate farewell banquet, wherein you recite a moving going-away prayer, stressing the importance of safe passage for you and your tribute.  Refer several times to the "mighty avalanche" that descended upon the natives from "the other village" who attempted to follow you up the mountain on your last visit to the Land of Men (make certain to linger on the horrible details...houses burned, men crushed, petitions denied, etc.).

12) Appoint the most gullible members of your inner circle to serve as porters on your steep climb up the "Stairway to Heaven."

13) When the caravan reaches your parked "thunder chariot" (aka Range Rover), have the porters load the tribute, then quickly dismiss them, declaring that you must present the offerings to the council of the gods yourself.

14) Distribute personal relics: locks of your hair, Tic Tacs, Chapstick, cigarette butts, etc.).

15) When the thunder chariot fails to start and it dawns on them that you're mortal, run like hell.



____________________
If you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.
— Christopher Titus
Angel
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Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Jan 26th, 2007 08:56 am

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Q. Why are men like guns?

A. Keep one around long enough and eventually you're going to want to shoot it.



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Angel
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Mana: 
 Posted: Sat Jan 27th, 2007 12:46 pm

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Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"


Abe answers, "They'll find us!"



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Dragonflygurl
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Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Jan 30th, 2007 10:36 pm

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A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
 
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.


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