You have arrived in the LEXXVERSE where the spirit of Lexx lives on. Home


To Laugh Or Not To Laugh, That Is The Joke!
 Moderated by: Ketana, CheshireKat, aeonflux  

New Topic

Reply

Print
AuthorPost
Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sat Dec 16th, 2006 07:29 am

Quote

Reply

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the ward, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually
joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief, "cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer test again!"



____________________

Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
Bilbo67
Heretic


Joined: Fri Oct 27th, 2006
Location: The Daisy Hill Cluster Lizard Farm
Posts: 469
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sun Dec 17th, 2006 11:09 pm

Quote

Reply
Opposite-Sex English Lessons with Professor Bilbo


Women's English:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do whatever you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my ass fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him, dipshit.


The answer to "What's wrong?":

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing =Everything

Everything = PMS...'nuff said

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole


Men's English:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

[2] What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

[3] What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Let's have sex now.

I love you too. = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

[2] Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it looks the same as before

Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.



____________________
If you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.
— Christopher Titus
Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sun Dec 17th, 2006 11:42 pm

Quote

Reply
Bilbo67 wrote: Opposite-Sex English Lessons with Professor Bilbo


Women's English:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do whatever you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my ass fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him, dipshit.


The answer to "What's wrong?":

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing =Everything

Everything = PMS...'nuff said

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole


Men's English:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

[2] What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

[3] What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Let's have sex now.

I love you too. = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

[2] Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it looks the same as before

Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

LOLOLOL..damm boy you got that right!!!



____________________

Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11382
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Dec 26th, 2006 07:28 am

Quote

Reply
What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
Both offer very little support!



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Wed Dec 27th, 2006 01:30 pm

Quote

Reply
A missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how
to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree”. The chief looks
at the tree and grunts, "Tree”. The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This
is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock”.

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives
in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really flustered and
quickly responds, "Riding a bike”.

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun, and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he
kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike”.



____________________

Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11382
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Dec 29th, 2006 07:15 am

Quote

Reply
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for their religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's a tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception, but, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Okay," says the man. "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children."

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah."

"With the woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah."

"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with mirrors on the ceiling, a bottle of hot oil, a vibrator, a leather whip, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah."

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No, no, no!" cries the rabbi. "Absolutely never standing up!"

"Why not?" asks the man.


The rabbi says, "Could lead to dancing."



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
CheshireKat
Divine Assassin


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Colorado USA
Posts: 2918
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Dec 29th, 2006 03:47 pm

Quote

Reply
How latex gloves are made...

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said. 

Gotta watch those little old ladies. Their minds are always working!






____________________
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11382
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 07:24 am

Quote

Reply
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding
how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused .... then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7296
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 08:46 pm

Quote

Reply
Angel wrote: A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for their religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's a tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception, but, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Okay," says the man. "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children."

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah."

"With the woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah."

"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with mirrors on the ceiling, a bottle of hot oil, a vibrator, a leather whip, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah."

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No, no, no!" cries the rabbi. "Absolutely never standing up!"

"Why not?" asks the man.


The rabbi says, "Could lead to dancing.
LMAO:laughing1:

Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7296
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Jan 2nd, 2007 08:52 pm

Quote

Reply



A lady goes on vacation to the CaribbeanUpon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"




"I can't tell you" the black man says.


 


 Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"


 


"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the black man.


 


"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.


 


"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies and the lady bursts into laughter.


 


The black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it".


 


 The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of you. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11382
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Jan 5th, 2007 07:42 am

Quote

Reply
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop. I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."


After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her. I always knew she didn't trust me!"



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Jan 5th, 2007 02:01 pm

Quote

Reply
class=formatRadio Silence
Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?

Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it
O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say
hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we
asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8: 00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle
?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just
tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass !
 
*I'M A NASTY SHE-CAT!*



____________________

Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7296
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Jan 5th, 2007 07:10 pm

Quote

Reply
Ketana wrote:

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the ward, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually
joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief, "cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer test again!"


:roflrofla:

Bilbo67
Heretic


Joined: Fri Oct 27th, 2006
Location: The Daisy Hill Cluster Lizard Farm
Posts: 469
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sat Jan 6th, 2007 02:37 pm

Quote

Reply
Legal terms that sound obscene, but aren't


Have you looked through her briefs? 

He is one hard judge!

Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.

Her attorney withdrew at the last minute

Is it a penal offence?

Better leave the handcuffs on. 

For $200 an hour, she better be good!

Can you get him to drop his suit?

The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. 

Think you can get me off?



____________________
If you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.
— Christopher Titus
Shenandora
Heretic


Joined: Sun Oct 29th, 2006
Location: Germany
Posts: 223
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sun Jan 7th, 2007 04:46 am

Quote

Reply
Bilbo wrote:
Opposite-Sex English Lessons with Professor Bilbo
...


LOL, this is just great! Just discovered it...I know I'm a little behind...


 Current time is 05:54 pm
Page:  First Page Previous Page  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  ...  Next Page Last Page  


Quick Reply
Enter your quick reply:



Black_metal theme exclusively by: WowBB Theme Mall
Powered by WowBB 1.7 - Copyright © 2003-2006 Aycan Gulez
SciFi Updates