You have arrived in the LEXXVERSE where the spirit of Lexx lives on. Home


To Laugh Or Not To Laugh, That Is The Joke!
 Moderated by: Ketana, CheshireKat, aeonflux  

New Topic

Reply

Print
AuthorPost
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11375
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Wed Nov 22nd, 2006 07:01 am

Quote

Reply
Rod and Todd, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.
One day, Rod calls Todd and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard.

A thousand dollars." Todd replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you..."

Rod interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars-yes or no."

Todd says, "O.K., I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"


Rod answers, "Eleven years."



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
CheshireKat
Divine Assassin


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Colorado USA
Posts: 2917
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Nov 24th, 2006 01:24 pm

Quote

Reply
If this doesn't make you laugh, you must be havig a REALLY BAD DAY :D



____________________
Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Nov 24th, 2006 07:25 pm

Quote

Reply
Angel wrote: Rod and Todd, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.
One day, Rod calls Todd and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard.

A thousand dollars." Todd replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you..."

Rod interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars-yes or no."

Todd says, "O.K., I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"


Rod answers, "Eleven years."
I don't get it..



____________________

Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Nov 24th, 2006 07:25 pm

Quote

Reply
CheshireKat wrote: If this doesn't make you laugh, you must be havig a REALLY BAD DAY :D

OMG this is just too too precious!!!



____________________

Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Nov 24th, 2006 07:29 pm

Quote

Reply
The angry preacher...

The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"

No one moved.

The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."





____________________

Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11375
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Nov 28th, 2006 07:14 am

Quote

Reply
An elderly couple went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it.

When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally, after two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"


The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7295
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Nov 28th, 2006 12:57 pm

Quote

Reply

Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11375
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Nov 30th, 2006 07:31 am

Quote

Reply
A newlywed couple is bargain hunting. They come across an unusual mirror that the shop owner claims has "magical powers." They buy the mirror and place it on the back of their bedroom door.

One day, the wife decides to test the mirror out, and while looking into the mirror, she says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my breasts size 44."
Lo and behold, it happens.
 
The woman runs down the stairs to show her husband, who is utterly amazed.

He runs up to the bedroom, and while looking in the mirror, says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my manhood touch the floor."

Then his legs fall off.



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
CheshireKat
Divine Assassin


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Colorado USA
Posts: 2917
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Wed Dec 6th, 2006 01:08 pm

Quote

Reply



____________________
Dragonflygurl
Heretic


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: I'm Everywhere And No Where
Posts: 7295
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Thu Dec 7th, 2006 02:52 pm

Quote

Reply
CheshireKat wrote:

:d020a:

Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sun Dec 10th, 2006 06:43 pm

Quote

Reply

In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was startled by what she saw in her crystal ball. She looked up at her customer, sitting across the table. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away with it?"



____________________

Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!
Bilbo67
Heretic


Joined: Fri Oct 27th, 2006
Location: The Daisy Hill Cluster Lizard Farm
Posts: 469
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sun Dec 10th, 2006 09:56 pm

Quote

Reply
DISNEY’S FALLEN HEROES

We have all grown up knowing and loving the characters created by Walt Disney and his successors. From Mickey Mouse to Aladdin, Disney has always given us something to laugh at, someone to cry for, something to hope for and a star to wish upon.

Now, however, it has been revealed by the Disney corporation that the stars of these memorable cartoons may not have been the paragons of hope and happiness we always thought they were.

That, after growing up with the perils of childhood stardom, many of our immortal friends met with bitter ends. Here, for the first time ever, are the TRUE fates of your favorite Disney characters, taken from the secret files of Michael Eisner himself…


MICKEY MOUSE - Died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said "No" for 50 years.

MINNIE MOUSE - Came out as a lesbian, wrote scathing autobiography portraying her marriage to Mickey as abusive.

DONALD DUCK - Served as a main course at Epcot's China Pavilion.

GOOFY - Assassinated during first term as Vice President of the United States.

PLUTO - Caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.

SCROOGE MCDUCK - Died homeless in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.

HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE - Involved in an underground child pornography ring.

CHIP & DALE - Extracted from Richard Gere's colon.

SNOW WHITE - Poisoned by another apple while trick or treating, Halloween night 1975.

DOPEY - 'nuff said.

SNEEZY - Died after case of misdiagnosed bubonic plague

GRUMPY - Executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.

HAPPY - Killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.

DOC - Sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges eating out of used cat food cans.

SLEEPY - Never woke up.

BASHFUL - Now a stripper with Chippendales.

MARY POPPINS - Shot down over Israeli airspace.

WINNIE THE POOH - Had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.

PIGLET - Gunned down in a mafia hit.

EEYORE - Committed suicide.

TIGGER - Accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.

RABBIT - Boiled alive by psycho-women after her unpleasant affair with his human owner.

ROO - Smothered to death in Kanga's pouch.

KANGA - Put to death by the state for serial pouch smothering.

ALICE  - Institutionalized for life.

THE MAD HATTER - Died of mercury poisoning.

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS - Guillotined during The Revolution.

TWEEDLEDEE & TWEEDLEDUM - Died of excessive weight loss at a fat farm.

SLEEPING BEAUTY - Slept until 1986 when she was awakened by "Prince" Charming, from whom she contracted AIDS.

CINDERELLA - Killed by stepsisters and stepmother in a jealous rage.

PINNOCCHIO - Involved in unfortunate accident with his Troy-Built Chipper Shredder.

JIMINY CRICKET - Checked into the plush Roach Hotel…never checked out.

DUMBO - Sucked into the engine of a 747.

CHRISTOPHER ROBIN - Male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose.

PETER PAN - Christopher Robin's lover, committed suicide in despair.

TINKERBELL - Caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid.

THUMPER - Undergoing cosmetic "Draise" testing in Mary Kay Labs.

BAMBI - Shot by NRA member with an AK-47. His body was never found.

BALOO - Now decorating the floor in front of a fireplace of the aforementioned NRA member.

LADY & THE TRAMP - Sold to a Vietnamese restaurant.

101 DALMATIONS - Sold to the Ringling Bros Circus for Lion food.

THE RESCUERS - Currently involved in AMA cancer research.

TRON - Killed by Virus Protection Utility on an IBM PC

JESSICA RABBIT - Featured in Playboy centerfold 2 years ago. Now has her own daytime talk show.

THE LITTLE MERMAID - Caught by Bumble Bee Tuna Fleet (still dolphin-free)

ALADDIN - Caught stealing a few too many times, currently being fitted for four prosthetic limbs.

ABU - Shot into space by NASA



____________________
If you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.
— Christopher Titus
CheshireKat
Divine Assassin


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Colorado USA
Posts: 2917
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Mon Dec 11th, 2006 01:37 pm

Quote

Reply
Advert:
Post Date: Aug 7th, 2006
Expiration Date: Sep 6, 2006
$10,000
06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT 84025
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve.



____________________
Angel
Divine Executioner


Joined: Tue Oct 24th, 2006
Location: Keeping Kool With Kai...
Posts: 11375
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Tue Dec 12th, 2006 07:29 am

Quote

Reply
Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.
 
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback and stupefied.



____________________
The dead do not squeeze and please....
Ketana
Divine Assassin


Joined: Wed Oct 25th, 2006
Location: Lioness' Lair, USA
Posts: 2510
Status:  Offline
Mana: 
 Posted: Sat Dec 16th, 2006 07:26 am

Quote

Reply

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."



____________________

Don't sprinkle sugar on your bullshit and then tell me it's candy!

 Current time is 07:13 pm
Page:  First Page Previous Page  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  ...  Next Page Last Page  


Quick Reply
Enter your quick reply:



Black_metal theme exclusively by: WowBB Theme Mall
Powered by WowBB 1.7 - Copyright © 2003-2006 Aycan Gulez
SciFi Updates