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To Laugh Or Not To Laugh, That Is The Joke!
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Ketana
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 Posted: Fri Nov 3rd, 2006 06:27 pm

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Dragonflygurl wrote: Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown."
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"
In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said "Turn Around."

or Ben Dover would have worked out bettah! LOLOLOL



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Ketana
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 Posted: Sat Nov 4th, 2006 04:44 pm

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Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I'm sorry, but he's dead."


Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."



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Ketana
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 Posted: Sat Nov 4th, 2006 04:44 pm

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There was this gas station in redneck country trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a redneck customer pulled in, filled his tank and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from one to 10 and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed eight-the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was seven. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time."

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed two this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was three. You were close but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex."


The buddy replied, "No, it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."



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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Sat Nov 4th, 2006 04:45 pm

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THE CAT







A Man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him in the car park.



As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the drive way.



The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away.  He put the beast out and headed home.



Driving back up the driveway, the cat was there!



He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.




Hours later the man calls home to his wife:


"Jen, is the cat there?" 

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" 

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"  


The cats response.   






Ketana
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 Posted: Sat Nov 4th, 2006 04:45 pm

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One day, a highway patrolman pulled a car over for speeding. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The patrolman told the driver he was fascinated by juggling-if the driver would do a little juggling for him, the patrolman promised not to give him a ticket. The juggler told him he had sent all his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them, and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car. A drunk got out, looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.


The drunk replied, "Just go on and take me to jail. There's no way in the world that I can pass that test."



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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Sat Nov 4th, 2006 07:27 pm

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I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons :

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


Sincerely The Penis
 

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects
your request for the following reasons:


You do not work eight hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often
You do not take initiative.
You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
Sometimes leave your designated work area before you
And if that were not enough,
You are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.



Sincerely,
The Management

 

Last edited on Sat Nov 4th, 2006 07:41 pm by Dragonflygurl

Angel
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 Posted: Mon Nov 6th, 2006 07:21 am

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A man was sunbathing in the nude. He saw a girl walking toward him, so he covered himself with a newspaper. The girl asked, "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
Thinking quickly, the man replied, "A bird,"

The girl nodded and walked away.

Soon, the man fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what had happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know I'm here."

The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"


The girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was just playing with his bird, then it tried to poke me in the eye so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set its nest on fire."



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Angel
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 Posted: Wed Nov 8th, 2006 07:48 am

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A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.
The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."



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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Wed Nov 8th, 2006 02:13 pm

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Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.



Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Last edited on Wed Nov 8th, 2006 02:16 pm by Dragonflygurl

Angel
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 Posted: Fri Nov 10th, 2006 07:36 am

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Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull having sex with one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.
He leaned in close and whispered, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."


"Well then, why don't you?" Mabel whispered back. "It is your cow."



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Angel
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 Posted: Tue Nov 14th, 2006 07:34 am

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This huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman.

He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"


The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."



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Angel
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 Posted: Thu Nov 16th, 2006 07:21 am

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10 SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING A CYBER AFFAIR
10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.

9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.

8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.

5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.

4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.

3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!"

2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.


1. Lipstick on the mouse.



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Angel
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 Posted: Fri Nov 17th, 2006 07:40 am

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One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"
"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.


Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."



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Ketana
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 Posted: Sat Nov 18th, 2006 08:46 pm

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There's a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs sitting by a lake. Several beautiful women are running laps around it and the man decides to use his disability to get affection from one of them. The next time one runs by him, the man calls to her:

"Excuse me Sweetheart, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you hug me?"

She looks around to make sure nobody's watching, leans down, and hugs him.

The man thinks, "Wow, I can't believe that worked!", and decides to try it again.

Another woman runs by him, and he calls out to her: "Excuse me Darling, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you kiss me?"

She looks around to make sure nobody is watching, leans down and gives him a kiss.

The man is amazed at how well this is working out for him!

The next time a woman runs by, he calls out to her: " Excuse me Beautiful, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you f**k me?"

The woman looks around to make sure nobody's watching her, leans down, picks the man up out of his chair, throws him in the lake and tells him:

"There... now you're f**ked!



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Angel
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 Posted: Mon Nov 20th, 2006 07:33 am

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The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is one and one?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right."

Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow," replied the blonde.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.


"It went great!" the blonde said. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"



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