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To Laugh Or Not To Laugh, That Is The Joke!
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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Sat Oct 28th, 2006 06:37 pm

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The Nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one Sunday Morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven "Which part of your body goes first?"
Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?
" Suzie replied:"Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"
"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."

Angel
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 Posted: Sat Oct 28th, 2006 09:44 pm

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Rumors were flying at a small tourist hotel about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "What happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator."


The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Oh, God. When he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"



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Ketana
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 Posted: Sun Oct 29th, 2006 08:16 pm

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A millionaire throws a massive party for his fiftieth birthday. During the party, he's a bit bored and decides to stir things up a bit. He grabs the mic and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. He offers anything he owns to anyone who will swim across that pool.
The party continues for some time with no one accepting his offer, until suddenly there's a loud splash. All the party guests run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool a man is frantically swimming as hard as he can. Fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and the guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining, but the guy manages to reach the end and he leaps out of the pool, soaked.

The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give-for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So, what will it be?" the millionaire asks.


The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the person that pushed me in!"



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Angel
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 Posted: Mon Oct 30th, 2006 07:42 am

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One day, while doing door-to-door market research, a guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts," I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes," says the woman. "My husband and I use it during sex."

The researcher is taken aback. "Well, I admire your honesty," he stammers. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"


The young housewife replies, "Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."



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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Mon Oct 30th, 2006 02:44 pm

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   Angel wrote: One day, while doing door-to-door market research, a guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts," I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes," says the woman. "My husband and I use it during sex."

The researcher is taken aback. "Well, I admire your honesty," he stammers. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"


The young housewife replies, "Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."
:lach:

Ketana
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 Posted: Tue Oct 31st, 2006 02:52 pm

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A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.

"Let me show you," says the captain.

He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.

"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."

The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.

"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"

"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."

"Why not Thursday?"

"That's your day in the barrel."



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Ketana
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 Posted: Tue Oct 31st, 2006 08:46 pm

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One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful.
The woman said, "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door.

The woman says to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"


*aren't kids just too adorable! I love 'em on toast slathered with buttah myself*



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Ketana
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 Posted: Tue Oct 31st, 2006 08:49 pm

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TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX...
 
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!



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Ketana
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 Posted: Wed Nov 1st, 2006 08:51 pm

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A wild dog is running through the jungle. While wandering about he notices a leopard heading in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now." Then he sees some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey-who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree-figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, he goes chasing after the leopard. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.



 


Moral of the story - Watch that monkey on your back, he's a summabitch! :s010a:



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Ketana
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 Posted: Wed Nov 1st, 2006 08:52 pm

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An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing that he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

 


Moral of the story - When the nurse is an ass seek out a second opinion!:s010a: 

Last edited on Wed Nov 1st, 2006 08:53 pm by Ketana



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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Thu Nov 2nd, 2006 11:54 am

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Chinese proverbs

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War not determine who right, war determine who left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.

Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Thu Nov 2nd, 2006 10:55 pm

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T-SHIRTS FOR WOMEN WHO TAKE NO CRAP

1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

3. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

4. Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.

5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

8. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!

9. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

10. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

11. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

12. Next mood swing...6 minutes.

13. I hate everybody and you're next.

14. Please don't make me kill you.

15. And your point is......?

16. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

17. All stressed out and no one to choke.

18. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

19. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

20. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
















Last edited on Thu Nov 2nd, 2006 10:56 pm by Dragonflygurl

Angel
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 Posted: Fri Nov 3rd, 2006 07:40 am

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LOL, those are right on, DFG!

 

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"


"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."



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Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Fri Nov 3rd, 2006 05:02 pm

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Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown."
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"
In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said "Turn Around."

Last edited on Fri Nov 3rd, 2006 05:02 pm by Dragonflygurl

Dragonflygurl
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 Posted: Fri Nov 3rd, 2006 06:22 pm

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What is a Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.   
Conclusion: They are tiny little women in fur coats.   
  
What is a Dog?

1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they're not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9) They leave their toys everywhere.
10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.   
Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.

Last edited on Fri Nov 3rd, 2006 06:23 pm by Dragonflygurl


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