A Lexxy Christmas story I wrote once upon a time ago..
FF: Twas The Night Before Lexxmas
It was Christmas Eve and Xev and Stan were in the galley eating their usual green goo for dinner. Stan slapped his plate down with much force, almost breaking it. “Just for once Xev, just for once, I’d like a real meal! I’m tired of nothing but goo, day in and day out 7 days a week!! Xev nodded her head in agreement. “I’m sick of it too, Stan. It’s been ages since we’ve been to a planet that has some real food! That last planet we stopped at was nothing but rock!” Xev sighed and went back to eating the goo.
Meanwhile Kai was in the cryo room repairing the control panel to his cryo pod. It was on the fritz again. “Rackin’, Frackin’ Gazoombas!” Kai cursed in his native Brunnen language as another cosmic screwdriver busted while he was trying to tighten the screws to the control panel. “The dead do not swear!” Kai said to himself. “The dead do not talk to themselves.” Kai spoke aloud.
“Oh my handsome dead piece of Brunnen tail! My tall dark hunk of alive/dead molecules! Come here and let me kiss your cold dead lips!” 790’s digital tongue was making little slurping noises. Lately his poems have been worse than ever and Kai was getting tired of listening to them. “790 off!” Kai bellowed. Reluctantly 790 shut himself off. “Thank the Brunnen suns!” said Kai.
Stan and Xev finished their meal and a sulking Stan went to the bridge to check on things. Xev went back to her bed and took out her sewing box. She was making herself a new nightgown from some material she had picked up at a planet long ago.
Kai looked at his toolbox and shook his head. Half the tools were broken in one way or another and the ‘good’ ones were so old they were rusting badly.
Kai went to one of the Lexx’s many rooms to make some routine repairs. ‘This is never ending.’ Kai thought to himself. He set the toolbox down and pulled out a section of Lexx’s fleshy wall. He took out a sonic drill and went about his task. The drill sputtered and started smoking and eventually stopped working. Kai looked at the drill and shook his head, his forelock moving back and forth. “Flippin’ Snippin’ piece of junk!” He looked around to make sure no one had heard him swearing again. He threw the broken drill into the tool box, put the wall back into place and headed back to the cryo room.
Xev pricked her fingers for the 20th time with the needle trying to sew a new nightgown. Her finger was bleeding and she placed it in her mouth and sucked on it. She threw the material back into the sewing box and shut the lid. “At this rate I’ll never have a new nightgown!” She muttered to herself. She sighed and took off her lizard skin top and skirt and put on her old tattered nightgown and went to bed.
Stan was looking at the stars through the Lexx view screen. His stomach grumbled a bit. He hadn’t eaten all of his green goo dinner. Stan looked at his stomach and said, “Oh shutup! I might as well go to bed.” Stan left the bridge and headed back to his hollowed out moth of a bed.
Kai needed to conserve his protoblood and decided to continue his repairs of the Lexx in the morning. He set the sequence on the control panel and stepped into his cryo-pod. The door closed and gasses misted around his form as it froze his body.
790 turned himself back on and saw that his beloved had gone into cryo-sleep. 790 had recited so many love poems to Kai that he was beginning to run out of ideas. He decided he would try again in the morning when Kai woke up. 790 shut himself off for the night.
All was quiet on the Lexx not a creature was stirring...........................
“Stan. Stan. Stan.” The Lexx’s voice echoed through his chamber.
“What is it Lexx?” Stan asked sleepily.
“I have been invaded, Stan.” Lexx’s monotone voice droned. Stan sat up quickly in bed, “What do you mean Lexx? Invaded?”
Stan quickly got out of his bed and ran to the bridge in his underwear. “Where are the invaders Lexx?” Stan asked, panicking.
“He is gone Stan. I have made a recording of the invasion, Stan.” Exasperated, Stan yelled at Lexx to play the darn thing. Lexx’s view screen filled with some kind of strange creatures with horns, there were 8 of them in all. They were pulling some kind of a conveyance. A fat man appeared next on the screen with red rosy cheeks, a white beard and wearing a red suit. The jolly man in red waved at the Lexx and then shot off in a blaze of gold stardust.
“Who in the heck was that Lexx?” asked Stan. “I do not know Stan, but he did not hurt me.” Stan shook his head and went to wake up Xev.
Stan shook Xev awake. “What is it Stan?” Xev asked rubbing her eyes. “Lexx said we had been invaded but whoever it was is gone now and Lexx says no harm was done.” Xev sat up. Across the foot of her bed lay 3 brand new nightgowns. “Where did this come from? Oh how pretty!” exclaimed Xev. Stan rolled his eyes and his stomach grumbled mightily. “I’m going to the galley Xev to eat some of that horrid goo.” Xev absently nodded at Stan as she held up the lovely nightgowns.
Stan could smell something delicious as he got closer to the galley. He entered the galley and before him sat a feast. Fresh turkey and all the fixings along with several baskets of fruits and vegetables. Stan pinched himself to see if it was a dream. “Ouch.” Nope, it was real. Stan dug into the food with great relish.
Kai’s cryo-pod door hissed open. He stepped out and he almost tripped. Curious, he bent down to look at what was in front of him. It was a brand new tool box filled with shiny new tools wrapped with a red ribbon. “Where did this come from?” Kai thought.
790 turned himself on and was trying to think of a love poem for Kai. Lying in front of him on the pedestal was a computer chip with a note that read: one million and one love poems for lovesick robot heads. 790 was ecstatic. Now, who could he get to place the chip into his processor?
Merry Lexxmas Everyone!!
____________________ The dead do not squeeze and please....